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| Photo: Skitch and Sons |
THEN & NOW:
Written for Logan and Micaela
Shared for Justin and Julie and for Chris and Brittney
Some people have children and then their lives seem to go on, business as usual. Even if you're close to them you don't see much of a difference in what is inside them. Yes, they may drive a different car, keep a different schedule, spend their money more wisely, but THEY don't seem any different. This is not what I wish for you.
Business as usual was not what happened to me. People that knew me socially saw a change in me not long after I found out I was pregnant with my first son. People that knew me well were privy to a complete metamorphosis that began the day I knew I was pregnant. Which was day one, with that first son. My life was FOREVER CHANGED!
I believed that no matter if I won the Pulitzer or the Noble, no matter if I saved a few million people from a madman's terrorist attack, no matter if I devoted the rest of my life to helping the children in Calcutta, nothing I could do would ever be greater than this. My spouse and I (with the help of God, or "nature" if you can't see God) had created LIFE, and the miracle of it astounded me! I was overwhelmed with questions, insecurities, and excitement! There was so much I did not know and needed to know -- now!
One thing I did understand though, was that no matter how much I talked and no matter what I said, this child inside me and any that followed were going to listen to how I walked. I believed that, although they would not be little clones of me &/or their father, they would glean more of what they knew about the world from watching us than from listening to us. I could not control or change this baby, not in the long term, but I could control and change me. I vowed to be a better person.
I had worn a seat belt maybe two times in my life. Yet, I believed that they improved your chances of surviving a car crash. I found cars to be very dangerous machines that required a lot of serious thought and responsibility. I became, overnight, an avid wearer of seat belts.
I had been a very picky eater, preferring mostly breads and potatoes, eschewing almost all meats and many other things that were good for me. I had been anemic to the breaking point most of my days. Now, I forced myself to eat things I didn't like. I learned to eat meat and peanut butter and to drink juice and water instead of Coke, not only apple juice which I liked but orange juice and cranberry juice which I hated. At first, I had to mix these juices with water, in truth I still prefer many juices watered down, but I can now drink them straight when need be. I didn't drink one Coke 'a Cola, or have one cup of coffee, or one glass/cup of caffeinated tea during either of my entire pregnancies. I changed my eating habits not only for the baby in my womb that needed good nutrition but for the child to come that needed a good example. It didn't take me long to acquire a taste for these good-for-me items and now I love many sources of protein and all juices.
I also began to work on flipping a switch in my head. I went from "Negative Nelly" to "Positive Polly" because I felt like my kids would have a better chance at enjoying life if they could look at the positive side of the world. I stopped dwelling on the fact that I hated myself and started finding (at first very small) reasons to approve of me. I wanted my kids to love themselves, so I needed to figure out how to love myself. I'd always been resentful of humanity. I enjoyed saying, "A person can be okay, but people suck." I wanted my children to see the joy in the world and the good side of people as a whole, so I had to find it myself. This was a huge challenge and actually took me many years to achieve.
I did not and do not always show my children the best example but when I realize I have slowly slipped up and I'm drinking Coke all day, etc, I work hard to get back to doing what I would hope they would do. If ever I am depressed and am having trouble finding positive things to say, I focus on those amazing boys until the hum drums of the world seemed smaller and less significant. Many times in my life, I failed my sons. But I gave them my all. Many times, my life got hard, so hard that I wanted to give up, sometimes I wanted to die. But I would look at those sonnies that were always there, playing around my feet, or sending me text messages from a friends house, or even just hanging out behind my eyelids, I would see them and be reminded that I was there for them and needed to continue to be there for them. I knew and I know, I am here to be available when they need me and to show them how to live. Giving up in any way was no longer an option.
I've had car wrecks that might have done me in if I'd not had my seat belt on. I've had health issues that probably would have killed someone that was anemic and had the horrible eating habits I'd indulged in before I got pregnant. Over and over again my sons, whom I had carried to give life to, saved my life. Over and over again the simple fact that they existed forced me to get up, brush myself off, pull up my chin, and keep going. They saved me, and they saved me, and they saved me. Any debt they might have owed me for their lives they have more than repaid just by breathing, just by walking the same Earth I do, just by hanging out behind my eyelids. I deserve no more from these two miraculous men, men that I was privileged enough to care for, to watch grow, to love and laugh with. And yet, I know they will give me more. My efforts have been repaid and will continue to be repaid. I have raised two fine, strong, intelligent, caring men that are always here for me. Grand men that love me, that will love me as long as they breathe. In later years I have expanded this idea to include all people. I think we are all here to set a good example for each other, to love each other, to help each other. When I was young, I could only see this duty to my children, but it was enough to keep me going long enough to see the bigger truth that we are all sons and mothers, daughters and fathers, sisters and brothers, that we all need to save each other.
And this is what I wish for you...
Parenting that opens your eyes to what you should have been doing all along.
Children that keep you going.
And love, Love, LOVE!
