NOW:
Fate
chooses our relatives; we choose our family and our friends. Whether
you are looking for a lover or a friend, it is wise to associate
yourself with good people because it's much better to be alone than in
the company of bad individuals. Create your own circle of friends by
spending more time with the ones that uplift and less (for family or
people you have a real history with) to no (strangers and acquaintances)
time with the ones that drag you down. The smaller your circle is the
easier it will be to keep it working well for you and for them. Focus on
quality not quantity. I'd rather have a dollar than four quarters, as
they say. Remember: friends should improve your life, not drag it down
in the muck and mire.
Toward that end, I have some decent advice. Things I learned the hard way over the many years I've been gaining and losing friends, you can learn in the few minutes it will take to read this list.
Gravitate toward people with these qualities and do your best to politely avoid the ones that have opposite qualities and watch while your life gets better and better in every way.
Good friends have a mixture of honesty and kindness.
Purely honest people are great - if you have thick skin. If you are sensitive in the least, you could allow their honesty to drag you down emotionally and who needs that? If you aren't ready for complete honesty, there is no shame in that fact. You will get there. Just continue to take care of yourself and your circle and it will happen.
Totally kind people are like watered down whisky... that only has a drop of whisky in it. They are fine if you need a hug or a kind word but aren't looking for substance or focusing on long term relationships. Though they make great acquaintances, they are not the stuff real friends are made of. Good friends, real friends, will strive to be honest but kind. We need truth and we need gentleness. True friends have figured that out.
Toward that end, I have some decent advice. Things I learned the hard way over the many years I've been gaining and losing friends, you can learn in the few minutes it will take to read this list.
Gravitate toward people with these qualities and do your best to politely avoid the ones that have opposite qualities and watch while your life gets better and better in every way.
Good friends have a mixture of honesty and kindness.
Purely honest people are great - if you have thick skin. If you are sensitive in the least, you could allow their honesty to drag you down emotionally and who needs that? If you aren't ready for complete honesty, there is no shame in that fact. You will get there. Just continue to take care of yourself and your circle and it will happen.
Totally kind people are like watered down whisky... that only has a drop of whisky in it. They are fine if you need a hug or a kind word but aren't looking for substance or focusing on long term relationships. Though they make great acquaintances, they are not the stuff real friends are made of. Good friends, real friends, will strive to be honest but kind. We need truth and we need gentleness. True friends have figured that out.
Good friends are open minded and can deal with the fact that people are different.
Hanging with people that live in their own little world and think everyone else should be just like them is like playing in an anthill. Sure it starts out fun but sooner or later those ants are gonna bite. God likes variety. We are all unique. Find someone open minded enough to accept that or you're just asking for trouble.
Hanging with people that live in their own little world and think everyone else should be just like them is like playing in an anthill. Sure it starts out fun but sooner or later those ants are gonna bite. God likes variety. We are all unique. Find someone open minded enough to accept that or you're just asking for trouble.
Good friends are positive in their words and actions.
Drama queens and complainers might be fun if you like reality TV shows. (I don't and try to avoid them in all areas of life!) But remember: The way someone talks about others behind their backs is the way they will talk about you behind yours. It may seem fun to co-hate. They may crack you up with their razor sharp verbal wit, but it won't be nearly as enjoyable when they turn on you and are saying hurtful things behind YOUR back. Leo Aikman famously said, "You can tell more about someone by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him." I stumbled on this when I was a very young teen. Even then, it struck me as life-alteringly profound. It has been one of the best pieces of advice I've ever taken to heart and has helped me avoid so many haters and drama queens. I strongly suggest you hold it to your heart and keep it forever.
Drama queens and complainers might be fun if you like reality TV shows. (I don't and try to avoid them in all areas of life!) But remember: The way someone talks about others behind their backs is the way they will talk about you behind yours. It may seem fun to co-hate. They may crack you up with their razor sharp verbal wit, but it won't be nearly as enjoyable when they turn on you and are saying hurtful things behind YOUR back. Leo Aikman famously said, "You can tell more about someone by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him." I stumbled on this when I was a very young teen. Even then, it struck me as life-alteringly profound. It has been one of the best pieces of advice I've ever taken to heart and has helped me avoid so many haters and drama queens. I strongly suggest you hold it to your heart and keep it forever.
Good friends stretch themselves and they stretch you.
If someone doesn't have an interest in learning and doesn't care about improving themselves they won't be willing to help others improve either, and that may be the worst sign of all. They are on a downward spiral and they will gladly drag you with them. Walk away if you can. Minimize your contact if you feel obligated to not walk away. These people are beyond your help. They likely keep company with their drug of choice (be it drama, pot, television, booze, video games, etc) and have no time for friends or life. They are zombies. They are the real walking dead. If you are related to them or already love them... God help you and bless you. You will need it.
If someone doesn't have an interest in learning and doesn't care about improving themselves they won't be willing to help others improve either, and that may be the worst sign of all. They are on a downward spiral and they will gladly drag you with them. Walk away if you can. Minimize your contact if you feel obligated to not walk away. These people are beyond your help. They likely keep company with their drug of choice (be it drama, pot, television, booze, video games, etc) and have no time for friends or life. They are zombies. They are the real walking dead. If you are related to them or already love them... God help you and bless you. You will need it.
Good friends show an interest in others.
Simply put, self absorbed people are going to wear you out and wear you down. Strive to surround yourself with people that can actually look at and care about others.
Simply put, self absorbed people are going to wear you out and wear you down. Strive to surround yourself with people that can actually look at and care about others.
Good friends are givers, not just takers.
Sure, we should all be able to accept a gift or a compliment with grace. We should certainly say, "Thank you!" instead of making some self depreciating crack that honestly just screams, "I'm out of my mind with insecurities! It's all about me!". But good friends take it to the next level: they give as well as take. Ask yourself: Do they say nice things about me? About others? About themselves? Do they like to give gifts of their time, their words, their actions, as well as their money? Generosity is not to be forgotten when choosing your circle of friends.
Sure, we should all be able to accept a gift or a compliment with grace. We should certainly say, "Thank you!" instead of making some self depreciating crack that honestly just screams, "I'm out of my mind with insecurities! It's all about me!". But good friends take it to the next level: they give as well as take. Ask yourself: Do they say nice things about me? About others? About themselves? Do they like to give gifts of their time, their words, their actions, as well as their money? Generosity is not to be forgotten when choosing your circle of friends.
Good friends are loyal.
This seems like an obvious one, but it must be mentioned. Loyalty is important. And it's a tough one because it is hard to determine early in a relationship. The best way to get an idea about someone's loyalty meter is to look at their family loyalty. Do they love and appreciate the "challenging" members of their family? Do they try to find something good to say about even those individuals that seem to rub us all the wrong way? Without loyalty friendship has no foundation, so take a lot of notice of this one.
This seems like an obvious one, but it must be mentioned. Loyalty is important. And it's a tough one because it is hard to determine early in a relationship. The best way to get an idea about someone's loyalty meter is to look at their family loyalty. Do they love and appreciate the "challenging" members of their family? Do they try to find something good to say about even those individuals that seem to rub us all the wrong way? Without loyalty friendship has no foundation, so take a lot of notice of this one.
BONUS: Good friends will have some common interests but the best friends will also have some complimenting strengths.
We all know friends should share some interests. You have to have something to talk about passionately, be it books, or stars, or collections of tea cups. But did you ever give life to the idea that differences are important too? This is true with lovers and with friends. If a difference is too far apart it will weaken the relationship. "I believe in God and my friend is a militant atheist" is not a healthy statement or a good connection. If you can make it work, giant kudos to you, but most of us would suffer in that situation. However, some differences can actually improve you and your friendship. Certain differences will encourage growth and tolerance.
My previous best friend/current appointed sister (family now because I say so!) shares a lot of common interests with me. We love almost any form of art. We talk about writing, poetry, music, films, dance and all the finer pursuits of humanity. We love nature and being out in the woods or swimming in icy mountain brooks. We both like to make each other laugh and we're pretty good at that. We like to cook, and bake, and we love to eat. We are creators and nurturers. But we also have some differences that broaden our lives. I focus on studying and remembering people and relationships. She is a walking encyclopedia of pop culture. I love spiders and the smell of Jasmine. She'd rather be flogged with a cat o' nine tails than be around either. I much prefer fiction, especially Sci Fi. She often reads biographies and autobiographies of very real and interesting people. She is a messy extrovert and I'm a germaphobic introvert. She likes gory movies and I cannot abide them. I can handle scary all day long, but gory is not for me. All these differences work well for us. I help her understand the motivations and feelings of others, and she's the first person I reach out to if I can't remember the song at the end of that movie we saw ten years ago at the mall, when we bought those matching Bath and Body Works lotions, right before Christmas. What was the name of that movie? Okay, what was the name of the song? It's magically impressive to me that she is going to know the answers and I sometimes can't seem to think, or function, or move on with life until she does her magic trick! I encourage her to think about the possibilities for the future and she helps me look firmly at the past. I teach her about e coli and she drags me to social events. I catch spiders with my bare hands before she sees them, and she grabs the doorknobs and wipes down the counter tops before I ask. I enjoy the scent of Jasmine when she's not around and she watches her gory movies with another friend. We accept and encourage. We help each other change without ever insisting that the change come about.
I wish you all a friend like my sister.
I wish you all a lot of luck finding friends that improve your circle and your life.
We all know friends should share some interests. You have to have something to talk about passionately, be it books, or stars, or collections of tea cups. But did you ever give life to the idea that differences are important too? This is true with lovers and with friends. If a difference is too far apart it will weaken the relationship. "I believe in God and my friend is a militant atheist" is not a healthy statement or a good connection. If you can make it work, giant kudos to you, but most of us would suffer in that situation. However, some differences can actually improve you and your friendship. Certain differences will encourage growth and tolerance.
My previous best friend/current appointed sister (family now because I say so!) shares a lot of common interests with me. We love almost any form of art. We talk about writing, poetry, music, films, dance and all the finer pursuits of humanity. We love nature and being out in the woods or swimming in icy mountain brooks. We both like to make each other laugh and we're pretty good at that. We like to cook, and bake, and we love to eat. We are creators and nurturers. But we also have some differences that broaden our lives. I focus on studying and remembering people and relationships. She is a walking encyclopedia of pop culture. I love spiders and the smell of Jasmine. She'd rather be flogged with a cat o' nine tails than be around either. I much prefer fiction, especially Sci Fi. She often reads biographies and autobiographies of very real and interesting people. She is a messy extrovert and I'm a germaphobic introvert. She likes gory movies and I cannot abide them. I can handle scary all day long, but gory is not for me. All these differences work well for us. I help her understand the motivations and feelings of others, and she's the first person I reach out to if I can't remember the song at the end of that movie we saw ten years ago at the mall, when we bought those matching Bath and Body Works lotions, right before Christmas. What was the name of that movie? Okay, what was the name of the song? It's magically impressive to me that she is going to know the answers and I sometimes can't seem to think, or function, or move on with life until she does her magic trick! I encourage her to think about the possibilities for the future and she helps me look firmly at the past. I teach her about e coli and she drags me to social events. I catch spiders with my bare hands before she sees them, and she grabs the doorknobs and wipes down the counter tops before I ask. I enjoy the scent of Jasmine when she's not around and she watches her gory movies with another friend. We accept and encourage. We help each other change without ever insisting that the change come about.
I wish you all a friend like my sister.
I wish you all a lot of luck finding friends that improve your circle and your life.
