Most of us that have raised children (or helped raise children) can tell you, we have points of pride and we have regrets. At least, those of us that like to reflect and strive to be honest, can admit that we picked our battles, and some of them were unfortunate, but some of them were very good calls.
Let's take a look at accomplishments and failures.
I nailed very little, but if there was a ribbon for loving your kids SO MUCH, I know I would win it! I am convinced, I came here to feel the wind and to be THIS mother and grandmother, to nurture these specific individuals.
I am happy that I picked the safety battle and made my sons sit in their car seats. I'm proud of myself for wearing my own seat belt from the time they were born, because I knew I'd not sell the talk for long if I didn't walk the walk right along with them. I had never worn a seat belt in my life when I became a parent (most people didn’t in the 70s and 80s) but I wanted to be a decent example for my children, and I wanted to be someone they could be proud of. So, I not only ate better, lived safer, and much more thoughtfully after becoming a parent, but I lived more honorably and kinder too. I'm so glad I did!
I might also get a ribbon for creating a good bedtime routine and sticking to it. It didn’t take long for my children to figure out that bedtime meant sleep time, and they slept like logs. As a result, I had time for a TV show or two, an interesting film, a good book, a conversation with my husband. I'm glad I had that time. I'm certain that, in my case, the free time made me a better parent because it recharged my energy. I personally need a lot of down time, a lot of “me” time.
I might get a nod from the parental police for making my kids brush their teeth morning and night and for not giving them anything but water after they brushed those teeth before bed. Dentists loved me. (As an aside, I'm really glad I gave them water and didn't force them to be thirsty all night on the off chance they might pee in the bed. Many of my fellow parents did not allow their kids to have anything to drink after six or even five PM, and I felt heartsick for those children. I can remember waking up so thirsty I was miserable and my parents never denied me a drink of water. How thirsty might I have been if they had?!)
As regrets go, I have a few and they are deep.
Though I needed that quiet at the end of the day, I wish I'd found the energy for more quality time during their waking hours. I'm an extreme introvert and as a parent that has been a downfall. Did I play with my kids? Read them stories? Tell them tells? Yes. Yes. Yes. Was I affection and loving? Yes. Do I wish I could have done more of all of these? Absolutely!
I also wish I'd found a way to bring more nature, and forests, and animals, and pets into my children's lives. I grew up in the woods and on horseback. My kids had very little of that, and I view this as a personal failure of mine. I wish I'd at least taken them camping and hiking a lot more than I did.
I wish I'd kept that black and white kitten and the wrinkled puppy. My boys loved them!
I wish I had focused more on nutrition. My kids didn't have big sweet cravings like most children, so I was largely spared that battle. They rarely minded waiting until after supper before dragging out the Halloween candy, and they were particular about which candies they would even bother with. What a blessing that was! But I allowed far too many processed foods and didn't keep enough fruit around. I nuked too many pizza rolls and didn't do enough cooking. Mostly, that was because of poverty (I was often too broke for produce and meat and too tired from working hard (for so little) to cook) but I could have done better with the food we could afford, and I could have done a lot better with the information. I knew little about nutrition and taught little about it. As a result, I am obese and have a grown son that eats like a picky seven year old. He hardly ever drinks water or bothers with healthy foods, and I feel at least partially responsible. I worry about his cholesterol levels, and his anemia, and his heart.
But my biggest regret has to do with violence. I lived in an abusive relationship for many years. My sons have memories that are the stuff of nightmares. I regret, to the depth of my soul, allowing them to live in that violence. If I could go back and fix one thing from my past, I'd leave my first husband the day I knew I was pregnant with my second son. Up to that point, there had only been verbal abuse, and not a lot of that. My oldest was three years old then, and remembers nothing from the days before he had a brother. If I had just one do-over, I'd fix those two little boys huddling in the dark, listening to their parents fist fight in the next room.
My second deepest regret is spanking my children. I wish I had never touched them violently, especially in anger, but even when I calmly spanked them. I'm not saying this so people can get outraged and say, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!" Or "My parents spanked me and I'm glad they did. I turned out just fine!"
Let me be clear... I don't care.
I feel duty-bound to point out that the shepherd's rod the Bible references was for guidance not violence. I feel duty-bound to point out that you might have turned out even happier and better adjusted if no one had hit you. But in the end you will believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe, and I have zero desire to debate this topic with anyone. This is a very personal choice for me and it makes sense all the way down to my core. I received a lot of physical punishment in school, and a little at home. I can't think of a single time that I deserved it, or a single time when a discussion wouldn't have worked even better than that paddling. Not only that but, I ask you, if my oldest hits my youngest, and I then hit my oldest, what have I taught my sons? At best: "Some people are bigger, and stronger, and meaner so you shouldn't take things to a physical level or you will regret it. " At worst, "I don't care about you."
What about instead, we teach children to deal with their anger and disappointment without violence? What if we teach them kindness, gentleness, and empathy? What if we teach by example?
I wish I had set the example by never hitting my son, his brother, or anyone else except in self defense. I am 99% convinced that every lesson can be taught without violence, and I'm 100% convinced that my children deserved that and so do yours.
I'm very interested in your accomplishments and regrets. We learn from sharing. Please share yours?
