I WENT TO A FUNERAL LAST NIGHT: Unloved III (Dream Journal)

Photo: Skitch at a Film Funeral

NOW:

Dream Journal


    Last night, I went to a funeral. I was sitting alone and feeling the loss of a loved one, but for the sake of the gone-one, and for the sake of the living, and for the sake of goodness I was trying to keep my thoughts on the living and the suffering, specifically on my niece, Tanya. She was sitting in an isle of pews that ran in the opposite direction from the ones where I was sitting. I glanced her way now and then, wanting to offer comfort and wanting to avoid offense; it was a fine line I tried to walk. I knew the chances were good that she didn't want my comfort, but I wanted to be there if/when/the second she ever did.

    Once I looked and she had her son Riley sitting with her. Riley has never had the time or the chance to bond with me. He was very small the last time I was allowed to interact with him. He always treated me like a visiting relative he didn't know, which was exactly what I was at that time. No one bothered to tell him I was also his biggest fan, that I loved him to the bottom of my deep heart, and that I thought his skin felt better than anyone's in the whole wide world. No one besides me, that is, and I think he didn't believe me. Now he shows fear when he sees me, if he recognizes me. I'm sure it's fear of disappointing his parents by interacting with the "enemy", but fear it certainly is. I did see him in school once and say hello. He responded and there was no trace of fear in his face, but he didn't know who I was. He didn't even recognize me. To be unknown by those you love... it is an odd thing. Once he knew who I was the fear came into his eyes and he turned away without a word. This time he knew me and the fear was evident. I tried to smile at him but he would not meet my eyes.

    I concentrated on the service a while, and when I looked back Max was sitting with Tanya where Riley had been. Ri had moved to sit elsewhere, probably with his dad. Max is another of my great-nephews but he is Tanya's nephew, not her son. Max and Riley are nearly the same age, but Max has had four years to get to know me better, four years that Riley and I were denied. More importantly, he's had encouragement in getting to know me. Many of the people he already knows and trusts, his mom, his dad, his "Nan" have said to him in their actions, "Here is Dee Dee. She loves you. You can believe her. You can love her back. You are Family." Max loves me. He knows that I adore him to the bottom of my deep heart. He knows that I am his biggest fan. I call him "Hero" because he is just that. My Hero. He knows that I think it's marvelous that he did nothing more than scowl until he was about three years old and then he rather suddenly turned into one of the most cheerful, loving, selfless people on the planet -- just as his mother had done before him. Max has been very sick lately. He has been in and out of hospitals, in a lot of pain, unable to eat properly. His digestion is just not working as it should. I've been concerned for him. Max met my eyes, smiled back at me, and in his smile I saw an apology for all the pain, and apology for how much Tanya and Riley were breaking my heart. I was struck by the difference in my relationship with these two great nephews, dealt a blow with the realization of all the time I had lost with Riley. When last I held Ri both he and Max were unsure of me. Now Max knows and loves me. I smiled as bravely as I could at him, then bowed my head and tried to hide my tears for my lost time and memories with Ri.

    When I dared to look back, Tanya deliberately caught my eye. She pointed to the woman sitting beside her and mouthed with force and defiance, "This is my lover!" My first thought, I confess, was, "If she were inclined to, Tanya could find prettier women than that lady." I was immediately ashamed of that idea. If Tanya liked or loved her, that was all that mattered. And many years on this Earth have taught me that pretty on the outside is not as important as pretty on the inside. I mouthed back, "Good. I am happy for you." And I smiled. At that same moment, my mind was asking me, "Why is she telling you this now? At a funeral? In a crowded church? Why does she seem so defensive? Is she trying to shock you? Hurt you?" As my mind asked me these questions I watched Tanya's face register surprise and then deep uncertainty. She dropped her gaze. I did not know if the woman were her lover, probably yes, but I did know that she had chosen here and now to tell me this because she had expected it to shock and maybe hurt me. I then grasped on an optimistic thought, "Is this why she keeps such distance between us? Was she also or even mostly fearing rejection all these years? If so, would she come around now that she sees you love her regardless?"  I wanted to shout across the church. "You can love anyone you want and I will support you. I will always love you!" But I too dropped my head.

    After the sermon everyone got into cars to drive to the burial site. It was cold and everyone was dressed in coats and boggins. We were outside on a hill and trees lined the road and were peppered about in front of the church. Tanya and her friends pulled a car over beside mine, and suddenly another vehicle came sliding sideways in front of us. It passed right by the noses of our cars, picked up speed as it went down hill, hit the tree line hard, broke through several small tress, and rolled over the hill. The road was a solid sheet of ice. Tanya said, "Dee Dee, jump and roll." I looked at her face and saw that she had surprised herself. She was torn between helping me and regreting the warning she'd already given me. My car, which was in park, began to slide sideways. I jumped and rolled and it went down the hill alone, driver's side door open, and crashed near the other one. I knew Tanya's car would do the same. "Jump and roll!" I told her and all the occupants of her car, I could see Max and Ri and several other women and children, but no one moved. They seemed paralyzed with fear. I knew I could not get them out of the car in time! It started sliding as I realized that. I was between it and the bottom of the hill. I turned, ran just a bit, fell on my bottom, and slid down the hill deliberately and as fast as I could. I narrowly missed plowing into a huge tree, and immediately fought to get myself behind it. There was a dip in the ground behind it, deep. It would protect me even if the tree went over. Tanya's car hit the tree before I was completely into the hollow, and I watched as the roots shook but held. I fought my way quickly back up and around to the car and saw the occupants all seemed shook up but largely unhurt. The danger now came from another car crashing into thiers. I said, "Tanya, come here!" But she huddled in a corner away from me. Another car was sliding down the hill. One of the women in Tanya's car came toward me and allowed me to help her out and to the ground which was about three feet lower than the ground where the car's tires stood.  I unloaded a few more of the women and girls and helped them hide in the hollow behind the tree. I kept calling for Tanya, Max, and Riley but they would not move. They all huddled together in the fartherest corner of the front seat. The car that was sliding down the hill narrowly missed us and landed further down, but I could see other cars sliding our way. They would not all miss us. I kept pulling women and children from the car, but Tanya and the boys would not move. My plan was to get the other people out of the car and then go into it myself to get my family. The women in the hollow were allowing the children to fall in the hole in a frightened heap. "Help them down!" I yelled. "Help them to you as I get them from the car! Then keep everyone back as far as possible." I was wanting to both keep the passage to safety open and get the survivors further back in the hole where they would be safest. Two of the women came over and started helping others down and directing them to the back of the hole. They took the little ones I was handing down. More people were in that car than I could have ever imagined, and still I could not make a way to Tanya, Riley, and Max. They needed me and I could not yet get to them.

    I awoke and started crying.

    This morning I added to my morning ritual of prayer and rejoicing. Between "The Lord's Prayer" and "This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be exceedingly glad in it." I cried and I asked of God, "Father I cannot get them out of that car, but You can. I cannot steer the other dangers from them, but You can. Please wrap Tanya in your loving hands, let her know that You love her always and forever, no matter what. And then please let her know I love her too, always and forever, no matter what.

    "Please wrap Riley in Your loving hands, let him know that You love him and that everything will be alright soon. Please take the spirit of fear from that child. And please let him know I love him too.

    "Please wrap my Hero in Your loving hands, remind him that You love him. Please heal his broken little body, and take away his pain. And please tell him I love him too.

    "And Father God, please delay the funerals as much as You can see fit to. I do not know who was in that casket. I do not want to know for a long long time. I thank You, and praise You, and I love  You, for what You have done for us and for what You will do..."