SUCK IT UP AND A LACK OF SAVVYING

Photo: Boo Boo Juice

NOW AND THEN:

SUCK IT UP AND A LACK OF SAVVYING: THAT'S WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA

Imagine for a moment the scene that peppered all our childhood days, "I got a boo boo". You fall down and scrape a knee, get your fingers pinched in a door, or bang your head on something hard. There are ways the others around you reacted or failed to react. Physical pain not only hurts your body but there is an emotional pain that comes along with it, especially when you are young. It confuses you. You feel attacked for no reason. You ask, "Why me, God?" even when you are possibly too young to grasp the concept of God. This happens all our lives but is especially overwhelming when we are young and have not learned any methods to soothe ourselves. 

Hopefully, the people around you responded appropriately when you had these minor bumps and bruises. Hopefully, they showed proper concern for your feelings and for your flesh. It's all about empathy. Too much concern and you learn to over react, to think it's all about you. Not enough concern and you feel targeted by Life or God and you grow angry. Proper concern tells you, "Yes, this hurts. Yes, it is confusing. I'm sorry you are going through this, but it is not a big deal in the long run. It will pass. You are not alone. We have been there." They need to know that you savvy what they are going through. In much the same manner, we need to be soothed when the emotional bumps and bruises come along. We need to be told in words and actions: "I know what it feels like to be left out," or "I've had my heart broken too." As social beings, we do not need to feel or think as though we are the only person that has ever had to carry physical or emotional pain, or even the only one to endure this particular kind of physical or emotional pain. We need to be able to think, "That was tough, but WE all go through things like that." And just like that, as soon as a child begins to have thoughts of WE, their family and community have helped that individual see the big picture and be part of our collective humanity. 

Time makes the physical pain go away but the only "treatment" for the emotional pain (that, as I have pointed out, comes alone and with the physical pain) is empathy, and when we are denied that the emotional pain never goes away. It lurks. It hides. It slinks. It grows. It lies dormant for a time and then rears it's head again. But it does not go away.

If those around us do not show enough concern over our emotional pain then we are treated to the "Suck it up" way of life. This leaves someone feeling isolated and targeted. "Why is "Life" or "God" picking on ME?" Their brain continues to ask. "Why is life so hard on ME?" And we have quickly created a self absorbed individual. Unfortunately, many of our adults have been treated to the "suck it up" way of life and are battling vigilantly to overcome it. They are fighting to rebuild a foundation while they stand on it. That, I can tell you, is a tough battle.

Showing proper concern is not as hard as someone might think. Cuddle and comfort them, of course! But take your cues from them. When they begin to quieten and settle, you begin to losen your hug and perhaps to talk and take their mind off the pain. The key is that the child must know they are not alone in this upset. Yes, perhaps you felt it another day, but you have felt it. Sometimes just saying, "I know!" (which is all we usually say to the littlest among us) makes a big difference, but as they grow old enough to understand your words better, a short story about when you fell down as a child or even the other day is very important. I remember when my sons were reluctant to allow me to put hydrogen peroxide or antibiotic cream (termed "boo boo juice" in our home) on their cuts. They were both regaled, more than once, with stories of my own minor cuts as bruises and of the rubbing alcohol, mercurochrome, and iodine that was used in those days. I showed them the bottle of rubbing alcohol that we still kept in stock (to disinfect earrings and so forth) and I offered to let them try it "just once", so they would know what it felt like, know that I was not exaggerating when I said it would burn like fire. They had three choices then: hydrogen peroxide, antibiotic cream, or rubbing alcohol. Something was going to clean the cut and they could choose which of the three that would be. Though I believe they both gave the rubbing alcohol a thought ("It can't be as bad as Mom says, right?") they always opted for the boo boo juice and a clean swab. In the long run, the cut was given attention, the kid was given attention, and they knew knew they weren't the first child to get banged up. They knew that I savvied the pain of a cut and some medication on top of it.

If you know someone that is self absorbed, and I'm betting you do, somewhere down the road that person was not given enough empathy. They were given the "Suck it up" treatment. That might have been when they were little and it was mostly about physical bumps and bruises, or it might have been when they were a little bigger and their feelings were hurt by other kids or even adults in their lives. Somewhere, someone gave them the "Suck it up" cold shoulder, more than once. These adults are not self centered because they are evil or cruel. They are self centered because they still have that firey scrape on their knee or their fingers are still jammed in the door, or their heart is still breaking because they misjudged who their friends were. They were never given the proper empathy, the proper concern to overcome those hurts. When a kid goes bezerk and shoots up a school, yes, possibly they had a mental condition. Possibly they were psychopaths. Possibly they had a chemical imbalance. But chances are just as good that that person's breakdown was because of a lack of empathy in their life. The emotional pain lurked and hid. It was dormant for a time, and then grew, and reared it's head again. 

What can we, as a society, do about this? The very best thing we can strive to do in our lives is to show empathy to PEOPLE OF ALL AGES. Yes, scoop that child up and hug them and tell them it will be okay. But stop thinking of adults that are self absorbed as being evil or "wrong". Look at them as though their spirit is still a little child standing with their fingers caught in the door, because it is. Talk to them. Treat them like you would anyone that was "kind" or "normal". To do otherwise is the equivalent of picking up a cyring child and saying, "Now you be quiet! You're going to upset someone." These people are still in the middle of their pain -- of course they are self absorbed! It is nearly impossible to think of anything but the pain when you are surrounded by it. They are still hurting and what they often get for finding the courage to share that pain is "Grow up!" "Get over it!" or "Suck it up and move on!" 

If you know someone that seems self centered, try to share stories of your own pain with them. You may not know what sort of pain they are still suffering from, but perhaps you will hit on something they can relate to. That would go a long way towards reaching their humanity. Don't fail to tell your co-worker you understand what they are going through if they share a painful story with you. Share a story that is as similar as you can. Don't make excuses to not listen to and empathize with someone that tells the same broken, awkward tales over and over. This person did not receive the empathy they needed when they needed it and they question the sincerity of what they are getting now. Plus, for every person that listens to them many more make excuses or worse yet, tell them "Suck it up"! They may be taking three steps forward and four steps back. Help them. Do what you can. Because what is wrong with our America today is that too many adults are going around trying to rebuild their own shattered emotional foundation. Too many children are being groomed to do the same thing in twenty years. Too many people are looking the other way, judging their neighbors as "cruel," "self centered," and "wrong". Too many people are too busy to listen to another human being's sob story and say, "I understand." Try to savvy; That's what they need. That's what America needs.