THE ONLY VACATION

Party Goers and Me
Summer 1976

THEN:



    The only vacation our family took while I was living at home was to White Pine Tennessee. What was in White Pine? Aunt Nancy and Uncle Leslie. They were so often part of our lives that my cousins are more like siblings. I was nine years old and I knew it would be great to go to the Smoky Mountains or to the beach like most families did, but this was still a vacation! I adored my aunt, uncle, and cousins, and I was very excited about White Pine.

    On the morning we were supposed to leave, my internal alarm kicked in for the first time in my life. I had struggled even more than usual with sleep the night before, such was my excitement, but I woke up at four am and Dad was still sleeping. Usually he was "up with the chickens". When I woke him and told him it was time for our vacation, he said we might not go because, "Your mommy ain't feeling too good." My mother suffered so much from nervous conditions that she hated leaving the bed, let alone home, but I begged to go and fought back tears of disappointment. Mom looked at me, sighed, pulled herself from the bed, and we piled in the truck. She was weak and weary. Yes, she smothered me, but I knew she loved me. Only for her husband or daughters would she drag herself up and out like this.

    In White Pine we mostly sat around talking to relatives, but I really enjoyed playing with my cousin Wanda's children Wendy, Wade, and P.T. as well as my niece Tanya and nephew Little Johnny. My cousin Marcia's kids, Kristina and Kristal, were too little to play with but were fun and cute babies. I enjoyed helping with them whenever I was allowed. Still more cousins came in and out visiting, but the aforementioned were there most of the time. 

    One of my older cousins, Buzz, decided to throw a party to celebrate our visit. He bought several watermelon and lots of picnic food. He had an above ground pool and I'd never even seen a pool before. I had only been in the river a handful of times and then never anything deeper than what my family called "the shallows" of the Pound River. My mother was petrified of water, but hand in hand, she and I would wade across the rocks, and find a spot that was not likely to have a crawdaddy guarding it, due to the quickly moving water, and we would sit down. In that position the water would be about waist high on me, never high enough to drown in, never high enough to learn to swim. Still, it was refreshing on a hot summer day, and I cherish the memories of those trips to sit in the shallows. The water was white with movement and often the rocks were moss covered. Sometimes I would lie back and let the icy water rush over my shoulders to cool me off completely. I loved and love that river to this day.

    A pool was such a foreign and fascinating idea. The families were bustling with excitement over this party! My parents opted out, as I anticipated, and so did my aunt and uncle. But Lila and Sandi (both past the age of 18) went without a word of objection from my mother. Lila pleaded to be allowed to take me but Mother refused. She said she was afraid I would drown. When Lila promised to stay right by my side, mother said someone might get drunk. She did not want me around drunks, I might hear foul language. I now know that her most present fear was always that some man would hurt me sexually, as she had been hurt, but I did not know that then. Looking back, I truly believe that my mother trusted my male cousins not to do such a thing, but some of the female cousins were married to men my mother barely knew, and the hosts of the party had invited some of their friends. These also included men my mother did not know, and she was not taking any chances with her frail blond daughter. She did not want me going through any of the horrors she had survived. She did not insist that Sandi and Lila stay there, though I think she could have gotten by with even that. Lila was married and had two kids of her own and Sandi was even older than Lila was. Mother cautioned them both repeatedly but seemed to reckon that her older daughters were big enough and savvy enough to defend themselves. She did not trust that I was.

    I think if my niece and nephew had not gone I would not have taken the loss so hard. I was used to disappointment and used to not attending most events, but with my nieces and nephews going and all my cousin's little children going, I felt a bit like the pariah of the family. I did not want the little kids to miss out on the pool, and the watermelon, and the cold Coca Colas, and all the fun. But somehow the fact that they were allowed those pleasures and I was denied them cut me to the core. I shrugged off my sisters getting to do things that I could not. They were adults after all, and I was only nine years old. But this time the people older than me were going and the people younger than me were going. It seemed so unfair that I should be the only person that wanted to go to the party but was not allowed. I sat out under a shrub and cried almost the entire time they were gone. I had never felt more alone.

    A night or two later, Auntie and Uncle took my parents out for a steak dinner. I had never had steak and had never been to a "sit down" restaurant. At first, I was very excited, thinking that I might be allowed to go along on that outing since I had missed the other one. After all, I had stayed home with those four people when everyone else went to the pool party. Shouldn't this be "our" turn? Shouldn't this be "our" outing? But Auntie told me it was a grown-up date, and that I must stay home. I swallowed my disappointment. I would never argue with her or hurt my dear aunt's feelings if I could help it. I went to the bedroom I'd been sharing with my parents so that Auntie might not notice my disappointment. Mother knew me better than most. She found me and told me if she had the money to feed me herself at that restaurant she would insist on taking me, but the only reason she and dad were able to go was because my aunt and uncle were paying for the food. I told her it was "okay." I told her to go and have a good time. I could see she was on the brink of putting her foot down and nixing the outing entirely and, though I did not say so, I did not want her and dad to miss out on the experience just because I could not go. I tried to appear nonchalant about the whole thing and must have been somewhat successful because the four of them went out for steak. I stayed with my cousins and sisters and watched television. I ate seven hot dogs for supper that night along with nearly a bag of potato chips. But I was sure the hot dogs did not taste like steak, and all the excess did not fill the emptiness inside me. It just made my tummy ache, and I sat up with heart burn late into that night.    

    On the way home to Virginia, Momma rode in the back of the truck with me. I couldn't stop being amazed that she was back there. It was the highlight of the vacation and the only time I remember her ever riding in the back of the truck with me. She pointed out some dark clouds and told me it was going to rain. She also told me how miserable the vacation had been for her and how she didn't want to ever go on another. I felt my heart fall because I had really hoped this was the first of many and that next time I might be allowed the party or the dinner out. After a moment of utter disappointment, my mind consoled me, "It wasn't much fun anyway. It's more fun when Auntie and Uncle come to visit us." But I did not say a word. I looked at her face haloed by the stormy sky and thought, "She is so pretty, so sweet, and so smart. She is always going to be enough." It started to rain and my mother smiled at the biting raindrops before huddling with me under a piece of clear plastic. I was impressed that she had so assuredly seen the rain coming. The memory of being in the back of the truck with her on that sunny, rainy summer day is one of my favorites. I loved and love my mother so much! She was extra beautiful that day with the wind in her hair and the sky in her eyes. I knew then and I know now: My heart was tied to this woman as surely as the Earth is tied to the sun. I'd do without a thousand vacations and after school activities for her, to make her content, to be her daughter... And I guess I did.