NOW:
On very rare nights, I fall asleep before I even begin my prayers. I try to avoid that, but occasionally my mind is trying to finish thinking something out, and the next thing I know it is morning.
Most nights, I at least say the Lord's Prayer, as that is the prayer Jesus taught us. I learned that one by heart of my own volition when I was about twelve. It adorned the wall over the stairway at my church and the words touched my heart, so much that I tucked them away inside it.
Usually, the Lord's Prayer is followed by my own personal prayers. If I am especially troubled, thankful, or awake, I also say a prayer that I taught myself when I was about fourteen. It is called simply, "Thank You Lord". This one I found on the wall of Edith's office. Edith was the social worker that handled my family's food stamp case. She loved me and I her. I used to draw birds for her and she encouraged my artistic pursuits with praise that seemed honest and yet a little lavish. The words from the prayer on her wall spoke to my heart so firmly that I felt I had to hold onto them, to own them, and so I memorized them and loved them from that day on.
If I am completely exhausted and not sure I will stay awake through even the Lord's Prayer, I begin with the child's prayer: Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take...
Most nights I say a full prayer that goes like this:
Our Father Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
In Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day,
Our daily bread,
And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive or debtors.
Lead us not,
Into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the kingdom,
And the Power,
And the Glory,
Forever...
Father God, I thank You for being not only my God and my Creator, but especially for being my Father! What a mercy! What a blessing! What a gift, to be family with You!
Thank You for Your son, Jesus, who lived, suffered, and died for me and mine! What a humbling sacrifice that we can never deserve!
Thank You for the Holy Ghost, who is here for us in this time of separation and great need!
Thank You for all good angels, in Heaven and in Earth. For Heaven's splendor and Earth's beauty. For all good angels encamped around the children of God. What a sweet and comforting thought!
Thank You for all good people, in Heaven and in Earth. Please help us to realize that we, as Your children, are all family.
Thank You for the people I love and need, for those that make life here better and help me find the strength to focus on good works in Your name.
(As I thank God for my loved ones, I imagine their faces. I see them doing what I think they may be up to at that moment, sleeping, playing video games, brushing their teeth, reading stories to their little ones, etc.)
I thank You so much for my husband, WadeO. For my sons Cory, Liam, and Justin. For my daughter in law,Julie, and my grand kids, Lilly, Noah, and Jackson. I thank You for the close relationship my boys have. Please help them to strengthen that, to stay each other's best friends here in this difficult place. I thank You for my step daughters, and I pray You will soften their hearts toward their dad and toward me. Thank You for their partners. Bless my adorable grandkids, please and help them to find and follow You.
(When I am feeling strong, I list my step daughters and their partners individually, but most often it hurts too much to think that deeply of them, it brings their rejection to the surface of my strained and battered heart.)
Thank You so much for my mommy and daddy, for Sandi, Lila, Paul, and Mary. Thank You for my nieces and nephews, great nephews and great nieces, and my great great niece.
(Here, I usually go on to list my two sister's kids and their children individually, and I list several of my in laws: sister in laws, brother in laws, nieces, and nephews. I usually list some from my first marriage as well, imagining them all snug in their beds or kidding their children goodnight, etc. but I will leave their names out of this account this time.)
Thank You Great God Almighty for Aunt Nancy, Barbara and Elmer, and Leona and all their kids, grand kids, and great grand kids. For all my aunties, (I have no uncle's left) for all my cousins, relatives, family, and friends.
Thank You Father, for life, love, laughter, learning, and liberty... for health, happiness, hope, home, hearth, honor, honesty, and humbleness... for safety, salvation, and sanity... for faith, family, friends, and freedom... for Goodness and glory... for mercy and mindfulness, peace and plenty, wisdom and wonder.
Thank You for motherhood and for the wind.
Please forgive me, my Father, for anything I have ever said or done that offended You or goodness. I pray You forgive me all my flaws, shortcomings, and sins.
Please help my children. Please be with them and bless them always. Teach them and guide them. Please comfort them. Help them to know they are never alone. I know they are Your children as they are mine. Don't let them forget that!
I pray You will look down on us, Father God. Please strengthen the weak, comfort the lonely, heal the sick. Help us live as children of the King, of the Most High God.
(Here, I pray for any current needs. Right now my friend Nancy is on that list and so are good life mates for Cory and Will.)
Please be with my sweet friend Nancy and help her win this battle against cancer. We need more people like her on this side of Paradise, people willing to do good, willing to love. Please help her find the strength to defeat cancer and to be with us for many years to come.
Please help Co and Will find good, God fearing women that will be helpmates for my sons, and that will allow my sons to help them as well. Please send them women that will love them, hold them, laugh with them, teach them, and learn from them. Send them women with strong character, good hearts, and that will make sweet conversations with my sons up until their old age. Please send them women that will seek goodness and that will be good mothers to my future grandchildren. And thank You so very much for Justin's Julie, who is all these marvelous things! I know that Justin and Jackson are in such good hands!
If it can be Thy will, but in all things, always, Thy will be done.
Thank You Lord,
For each new day You give to me,
For Earth and sky, and sand, and sea,
For rainbows after springtime showers,
Autumn leaves and summer flowers,
For winter snow scapes so serene,
Harvest fields of gold and green,
Stars that twinkle high above,
And all the people that I love!
(And I fall asleep feeling very relaxed and very blessed!)
NOW:
I have had several brushes with death in my 48 years. I fought a tough battle with meningitis. I nearly drowned. I have survived two natural births (those do still kill some women) an ectopic pregnancy, kidney stones (those I only THOUGHT were killing me!) and a few "face explosions".
Every time I get close to death I panic, but when I was closest to death (the first face explosion when they gave me too many medications and I "bottomed out" and the near drowning) a warm and tender calm wrapped itself around me. It was almost like being high. I was fine, dude! Death was no big deal.
Sometimes, I worry, just a little, that maybe my feelings about God and my belief are all unfounded and I will simply cease to be. I only worry a little about that though because in the time before I was born there was nothing to be afraid of or worried about. If death is just the reversal of birth, it is still nothing to fear. Usually this fear comes after a brush with death or before it. During the brush I think of you...
In the panic before the calm, I worry about my family. I worry that my sonnies still need me, that I might yet be of some decent service to them in the future, if only I can stick around. I worry that they don't really know how much I love them. I'm concerned that, without me to remind them, they will undervalue themselves and not take good care of my sons. I fear they may lose sight of God if I am not there to remind them how much He loves them. What a hard, frightening, and lonely place I think this Earth would be without Faith!
I worry that my husband will be lonely, that he may somehow blame himself or wish he had done something/everything differently. I worry he won't know that I knew he loved me and gave me the best of himself every day.
I'm concerned that my family will suffer and be sad. That my parents may not be able to survive the loss of another daughter, that my sisters will feel the pain so much they will forget the pleasure we had being sisters, forget how to smile. I worry that those that rejected me: my wonderful niece/sister/daughter/friend Tanya, and my brilliant and beautiful step daughters, may feel guilty.
I don't want to leave a legacy of pain, and grief, and guilt!
So, I am asking you all now:
Know that I LOVE (no 'ed' on the end of that word, now or ever) you all more than I, a practiced wordsmith, could ever express!
Know that I know you love me, or did love me, or could have loved me, or would have loved me. Know that what you gave me was enough, that I never held a grudge and would never want you to be sad or feel any guilt. Know that I went out of this world loving you, and accepting you, and praying for you every day.
Know that I want you to celebrate my life or wait in peace until you can celebrate my life.
Know that I will see you again, or that it will cease to matter. Either option is not so bad, eh? Though I lean mightily toward the afterlife that I've studied and felt. I FEEL loved and God makes more sense to me than "the belief that there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing exploded for no reason, creating everything, and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self-replicating bits which then turned into dinosaurs." (Yes, I stole that from the Atheist meme.) Because of my own feeling of being loved and watched all my days, because everything from nothing for no reason doesn't make much sense to me, because many things have happened to me that only the existence of God explains (angels and miracles, some might call them) because of the feeling of well being that I slipped into when closest to death, because Faith is better than Fear, because I believe there is something to the accounts from all over the world reporting such similar stories about what happens after death, because of all this and more, I lean mightily toward the idea of a loving God and an illuminating afterlife. I invite you all to study NDEs. Read Betty J. Eadie. Her account makes more sense to me than any other, though I love Danion Brinkley's story and many others as well. Keep your eye on Dr. Sam Parnia. I have a feeling that he may yet blow the lid off of the idea of death. Throw yourself into this or some other worthy project or subject. Be busy learning and loving.
Watch The Five People You Meet in Heaven. The message is best summed up by this quote: " Life has to end, ... Love doesn't. "Marguerite also says, "Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't. "
When you miss me a lot, focus on you. See a counselor, join a grief support group, take a bubble bath, or a Tylenol PM followed by a good night's rest. Take a nap or a drive. Watch your favorite movie. Read a great book. Have a good cry and pull yourself together. There is no shame in grief, but you cannot let it dissolve you.
When you miss me a little, focus on me, go read the poems, and essays, and stories I left for you. You will find me there. Forgive me if you find the old me, the one full of hurt and anger. Focus on the me that was better at loving. Read my poemish thing "I Have Lived." Read "Before and After". Read "I Love You More". Read "The Next Day". Read them all if you want, or none of them, or one of them. Follow your head and your heart. It's all good!
I hope you will help each other minimize the loss:
Sons, band together as never before. You have always been close, be now closer. Be there for yourselves, for each other, for Julie, for Jackson, Lilly, and Noah, for your sisters and your dad, my dear, sweet husband. Take care of my sonnies and their loved ones, please! Never forget that you are worthy of love and care! Never forget you were my very breath and are my greatest Earthly delight.
Husband, take care of you for me. Take care of my boys, my grands, and my girls - if and when they will allow it. Be productive. Be happy. Sing and play the guitar. Write. Love, Learn, and Laugh. Know that you made my life so gorgeous, that my heart is still there with you, beating inside your chest! Please, take care of my man! My split-apart, I still adore you like no other!
Sisters, wrap your love around each other and my precious Momma and Poppa and help my family endure. Do what we have always done best: Mother. Aunt. Share. Love. I beg all three of you to take my boys under your wing more than you have ever before. You've always been great aunts, be now Super Aunts. They need a tender touch, a mom-like ear, a soft place to land, a whispered prayer in the night. Be that for my sons, and for each other, and for us all. Don't ever stop being my sisters and I will never stop being yours! Remember that in this life, you were as much a part of me as the blood in my veins.
Nieces and nephews, my dear almost-children, be strong for me and for each other. Know that I would have taken a bullet or fought a bear for any of you. Know that I would have taken a life for you and not lost a bit of sleep over it. I considered you all worth killing or dying for. Band together. Take care of each other. Follow me into the unknown and we will laugh and love again.
Momma and Poppa, dear sweet parents, please be strong if you can! Thank you so much for so much! You know better than anyone that I will see you again! In the meantime, please be there for the daughters you still have on this side, for the grandsons that will need you now more than ever. Pour all the love you wish you could show me into them. I will feel it. I will see it. It will make the angels sing. Take care of my sweet, lovely parents! Love my husband for me, my boys, my girls, my sisters, my kids (nieces and nephews, etc). It is all you can do for me now.
This is what you all can do for me now: Love each other for me.
I love you all!
I love you more than chocolate, more than the smell of rain, or the sound of the sea. I love you more than the night sky full of bright stars, or the relief of a swimming pool on a hot summer day. I love you more than the first frost in late autumn, or silent snow flakes, or rainbows, or daisies, I love you more, more, more! Now, please love yourselves and each other more, more, more! That's my charge to you.
