WHY PEOPLE HURT YOU & HOW TO TRULY HELP OTHERS

 

    When I was about nine years old, my lovely old hound dog stepped in an animal trap. My dad had set it out to try to catch a fox that was eating the chickens. Dad had assumed the hound would not be hanging around the chicken house because he followed me every step I made and usually I was off in the other direction. Daddy had me help set the trap and told me to avoid it. It was right against the chicken wire coop, in a spot I almost never walked. Still, kids are forgetful and unpredictable, and a few weeks later I decided to take a completely different route to the big flat rock in the forest that I liked to stretch out on and read. I did not remember about the fox trap. It jumped back into my mind with a panic when Rock stepped in it and began to howl. I saw the trap and knew, from trying before, that I did not have the strength to open it, so I ran for my daddy.

 

    When I told him what had happened, Daddy frustrated my efforts to hurry and help my dog by digging around for a pair of thick work gloves before following me out the door. When we arrived at the dog, Rock had quieted down but he looked as pitiful as anything I had ever seen. As usual, Dad gave explanations on the go.

 

    In a soothing voice that I knew was for Rock's benefit Daddy said, "You have to be careful when helping an injured animal, Possumfrog. They are almost often panicked and if they're in pain they are going to be nearly out of their mind. Even a dog as gentle as Rock might bite you when you try to get his paw out of a trap." Dad was pulling on his gloves as he approached the dog slowly.

 

    "Rock ain't never even growled at anybody!" I wrinkled my brow, shocked at the very idea.

 

    "Yeah, but he's hurting something fierce right now." Dad was close enough to try to touch the dog and he spoke, "Let's see," As he reached out and gently rubbed Rock's head. This the hound allowed calmly, but when Daddy moved to his paw and began to put pressure on the trap, I was amazed, despite the forewarning, to see my sweet dog repeatedly and viciously bite my dad. Rock was probably the gentlest old dog I had ever known. Daddy spoke firmly to him and moved quickly to free the dog from the trap. Then Dad sat in the leaves beside a bush and slipped the gloves off. I joined him there and we sat silently for a bit, watching Rock. The dog limped off a few feet and licked his wounds. Daddy waited until the animal looked up at us forlornly before calling him over. We petted Rock gently and Dad checked his wound with a very careful touch. It was a small trap as animal traps go. Dad had told me when he set it that a bear trap could take a dog's foot clean off, but he didn't have any of those out. We'd never seen a bear on Ratliff Mountain, though several times we'd heard what my dad called a "painter." (I called it "panther".) But that beast (or beasts) seemed to have a truce with us. It didn't prey on us or the farm animals and, in return, we left it in peace.

 

    When thinking about the dog and the trap later, my absorbent young mind filed away this bit of knowledge: "Something may hurt you if it is hurting." It still took me decades to realize how true that would be across the board for so many species, including humams. I was almost fifty when I realized that people who are suffering emotionally are still in pain. They are like hounds in a fox trap; they will hurt even a helping hand. When I realized this, the concept of evil made much more sense to me, and I suddenly understood why helping people sometimes seemed like a waste of massive amounts of my time and energy. I used to try so hard to help everyone, only to be left watching while things just got worse. I was astounded to find out they were sometimes not a bit grateful for the assistance anyone gave them. I was often left feeling used and unappreciated. It was a frustrating and disheartening situation to find oneself in and it discouraged me again and again. I became afraid to reach out and offer assistance to anyone.

 

    Most of my life I've heard people say, "Take care of yourself first!" Or, "You have to love yourself first or you can't properly love others." For many years I did not at all understand that way of thinking. I thought that sounded like the most selfish way to live and definitely was not for me! I certainly didn't understand the connection between this idea and the frustration I was feeling when helping others. It took me almost two decades of limping and stumbling through adulthood to figure out that there is much wisdom in that advice. I finally understood that taking care of yourself is the foundation of taking care of others. Get your own life, health, happiness, and house in order as much as you possibly can, and then everything else will begin to fall into place. Your troubles will never go away but they will lessen and you will have more time and energy to help others fight their own woes. Before I realized this, it was like I was in a trap and still trying to help others get out of a trap. It was not much more than chaos. I was hurting myself and others and accomplishing so little. Most often, I was making things worse instead of better. You have to free yourself from the trap and lick your own wounds a bit before you can be any good for others.

 

    I also equate it to this idea: You should not drive a car to take a friend to the grocery store if the gas tank is empty, the tire is flat, or the transmission is slipping. You should take care the car and then take your friend to the grocery store. Yes, someone else may have to take them to the store today but you can take them the next time. Yes, you can push through some issues some of the time. You can put off getting gas if you have a little in the bottom of the tank, etc. But sooner or later, if you don't make that car a priority, you and your friend will either be walking home or you'll be sitting by the side of the road waiting for someone that DID make their own car a priority. This means you are inconveniencing someone instead of helping someone else. Now three of you are in a pickle instead of one. By that same token, you must take care of yourself if you want to take care of others. The car won't run without care and neither will you.

 

    If you are at all spiritual, you may like to look at it like this: The very first baby that God entrusted you with is not your firstborn (if you're a parent) it's not that darling niece or nephew (if you are an attentive auntie or uncle) or that sweet sibling (if you're a doting sis/bro.) But the first baby God gifted you with is ... YOU! I say with the wisdom and authority of many years and much pondering: God expects you to love yourself and care for yourself with as much duty and as much kindness as you care for the children you love, or would care for any child you love. You are God's child, just like those children are yours (and His) and He wants all of us well cared for! After finally figuring out that I needed to love myself so that I could then fully love and care for others, (instead of largely mucking things up) I have reached the point in my life where I do have enough energy to often successfully reach out to the people that are hurting so much they are completely self-centered, sometimes hurtful. They are dogs in a trap. Most of these people don't mean to be that way. I compare them to Rock with his foot in the fox trap. Under other circumstances, these people would be fine, gentle human beings, but they are currently under an assault of pain and panic. They are under too much emotional and possibly physical stress to do anything other than lash out. They will often fight you even if you're only trying to help them. But if you have the time (IE your own trap is off, your own needs are met) and you have some big thick gloves (IE thick skin, and an understanding nature) you really should feel duty bound to help, even if they will try to hurt you. Sometimes I have the time and the gloves. Sometimes I don't. I try to reach out and help the fallen when I can, but I have better judgement about when and how much to help. I've learned how to only assist when I'm not stretched thin, or depressed, or stressed out too much. This is a big world we live in and I'm not the only hope anyone has. When I'm feeling down, someone else can and must take up the torch and do the good that I simply cannot. Someone else will have to find the time and the gloves, because it will only make things worse if I dash in unprepared and wounded. It will make things worse if I run my own car until it quits by the side of the road. We are all human. We are none Superman, none God. No one could or should be there all of the time every time. I firmly believe in helping others, but I swear to you, you do have to take care of yourself first. This is how you truly help others: Help you first. Love you like God loves you. Take care of your first responsibility, then you will be able to do as much as is humanly possible for the ones you would like to help.

HOW TO CHOOSE FRIENDS AND IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

NOW:

Fate chooses our relatives; we choose our family and our friends. Whether you are looking for a lover or a friend, it is wise to associate yourself with good people because it's much better to be alone than in the company of bad individuals. Create your own circle of friends by spending more time with the ones that uplift and less (for family or people you have a real history with) to no (strangers and acquaintances) time with the ones that drag you down. The smaller your circle is the easier it will be to keep it working well for you and for them. Focus on quality not quantity. I'd rather have a dollar than four quarters, as they say. Remember: friends should improve your life, not drag it down in the muck and mire.

Toward that end, I have some decent advice. Things I learned the hard way over the many years I've been gaining and losing friends, you can learn in the few minutes it will take to read this list.

Gravitate toward people with these qualities and do your best to politely avoid the ones that have opposite qualities and watch while your life gets better and better in every way.

Good friends have a mixture of honesty and kindness.
Purely honest people are great - if you have thick skin. If you are sensitive in the least, you could allow their honesty to drag you down emotionally and who needs that? If you aren't ready for complete honesty, there is no shame in that fact. You will get there. Just continue to take care of yourself and your circle and it will happen.
Totally kind people are like watered down whisky... that only has a drop of whisky in it. They are fine if you need a hug or a kind word but aren't looking for substance or focusing on long term relationships. Though they make great acquaintances, they are not the stuff real friends are made of. Good friends, real friends, will strive to be honest but kind. We need truth and we need gentleness. True friends have figured that out.

Good friends are open minded and can deal with the fact that people are different.
Hanging with people that live in their own little world and think everyone else should be just like them is like playing in an anthill. Sure it starts out fun but sooner or later those ants are gonna bite. God likes variety. We are all unique. Find someone open minded enough to accept that or you're just asking for trouble.

Good friends are positive in their words and actions.
Drama queens and complainers might be fun if you like reality TV shows. (I don't and try to avoid them in all areas of life!) But remember: The way someone talks about others behind their backs is the way they will talk about you behind yours. It may seem fun to co-hate. They may crack you up with their razor sharp verbal wit, but it won't be nearly as enjoyable when they turn on you and are saying hurtful things behind YOUR back. Leo Aikman famously said, "You can tell more about someone by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him." I stumbled on this when I was a very young teen. Even then, it struck me as life-alteringly profound. It has been one of the best pieces of advice I've ever taken to heart and has helped me avoid so many haters and drama queens. I strongly suggest you hold it to your heart and keep it forever.

Good friends stretch themselves and they stretch you.
If someone doesn't have an interest in learning and doesn't care about improving themselves they won't be willing to help others improve either, and that may be the worst sign of all. They are on a downward spiral and they will gladly drag you with them. Walk away if you can. Minimize your contact if you feel obligated to not walk away. These people are beyond your help. They likely keep company with their drug of choice (be it drama, pot, television, booze, video games, etc) and have no time for friends or life. They are zombies. They are the real walking dead. If you are related to them or already love them... God help you and bless you. You will need it.

Good friends show an interest in others.
Simply put, self absorbed people are going to wear you out and wear you down. Strive to surround yourself with people that can actually look at and care about others.

Good friends are givers, not just takers.
Sure, we should all be able to accept a gift or a compliment with grace. We should certainly say, "Thank you!" instead of making some self depreciating crack that honestly just screams, "I'm out of my mind with insecurities! It's all about me!". But good friends take it to the next level: they give as well as take. Ask yourself: Do they say nice things about me? About others? About themselves? Do they like to give gifts of their time, their words, their actions, as well as their money? Generosity is not to be forgotten when choosing your circle of friends.

Good friends are loyal.
This seems like an obvious one, but it must be mentioned. Loyalty is important. And it's a tough one because it is hard to determine early in a relationship. The best way to get an idea about someone's loyalty meter is to look at their family loyalty. Do they love and appreciate the "challenging" members of their family? Do they try to find something good to say about even those individuals that seem to rub us all the wrong way? Without loyalty friendship has no foundation, so take a lot of notice of this one.

BONUS: Good friends will have some common interests but the best friends will also have some complimenting strengths.
We all know friends should share some interests. You have to have something to talk about passionately, be it books, or stars, or collections of tea cups. But did you ever give life to the idea that differences are important too? This is true with lovers and with friends.  If a difference is too far apart it will weaken the relationship. "I believe in God and my friend is a militant atheist" is not a healthy statement or a good connection. If you can make it work, giant kudos to you, but most of us would suffer in that situation. However, some differences can actually improve you and your friendship. Certain differences will encourage growth and tolerance.
My previous best friend/current appointed sister (family now because I say so!) shares a lot of common interests with me. We love almost any form of art. We talk about writing, poetry, music, films, dance and all the finer pursuits of humanity. We love nature and being out in the woods or swimming in icy mountain brooks. We both like to make each other laugh and we're pretty good at that. We like to cook, and bake, and we love to eat. We are creators and nurturers. But we also have some differences that broaden our lives. I focus on studying and remembering people and relationships. She is a walking encyclopedia of pop culture. I love spiders and the smell of Jasmine. She'd rather be flogged with a cat o' nine tails than be around either. I much prefer fiction, especially Sci Fi. She often reads biographies and autobiographies of very real and interesting people. She is a messy extrovert and I'm a germaphobic introvert. She likes gory movies and I cannot abide them. I can handle scary all day long, but gory is not for me. All these differences work well for us. I help her understand the motivations and feelings of others, and she's the first person I reach out to if I can't remember the song at the end of that movie we saw ten years ago at the mall, when we bought those matching Bath and Body Works lotions, right before Christmas. What was the name of that movie? Okay, what was the name of the song? It's magically impressive to me that she is going to know the answers and I sometimes can't seem to think, or function, or move on with life until she does her magic trick! I encourage her to think about the possibilities for the future and she helps me look firmly at the past. I teach her about e coli and she drags me to social events. I catch spiders with my bare hands before she sees them, and she grabs the doorknobs and wipes down the counter tops before I ask. I enjoy the scent of Jasmine when she's not around and she watches her gory movies with another friend. We accept and encourage. We help each other change without ever insisting that the change come about.
I wish you all a friend like my sister.
I wish you all a lot of luck finding friends that improve your circle and your life.

MY BEST ADVENTURE

THEN & NOW & FOREVER & ALWAYS:


Those two that grew inside me - and then grew outside me, and became bigger than I ever was, in so many ways - it amazes me to think that they started out as something smaller than the flower seeds that I can barely hold onto before they fly off into the breeze and to the freedom of the great, wild world.

My imposing sons, grown and intelligent men, started out as something more fragile than those seeds. Just a hope, a dream, a wish, a drop of Joy inside my heart, too small for anyone to see or even feel; only I was aware of them.

Then they were big enough to see, if you had a microscope, but still too small to feel in any physical sense.

Suddenly they fluttered like butterflies, sheltered deep inside me, my Sweetest Secret. My own Little Miracles! I could tell someone they were moving, but only I could feel it.

Soon they were baby dolphins turning, churning, like my thoughts and plans. They turned me into a different person as they turned their bodies in my womb.

And then they became small, hornless baby goats that kicked and butted, demanding their way outside into the real world, stretching to freedom. Now others could place their hands on my tummy and feel the strength of my sons' limbs and their spirits. My eyes burned with happiness. They were strong!

Still, I held them where they were as long as I could, knowing they were safest in their fleshy nest.

And I was selfish with the bliss they gave me. It was mine alone, as long as they were nestled inside. I could share the excitement, or keep it all to myself, as I chose.

When they outgrew me, when I could no longer hold them inside of myself, I held them outside of myself. I cradled them in my arms, as many hours a day as I could find. I held them, knowing they would, Lord willing, just as inevitably outgrow my arms as they had outgrown my womb. Now, I shared them well. Others could hold them as long as they liked and there would still be hours left for me. I soothed my sons' downy cheeks with my cheek. I investigated their wispy hair with my fingertips. I stared into their blue eyes and lost all track of time. Time was gone, reduced to nothing in the depth of those bright eyes.

Together we lived and grew; we laughed and cried, and I wrapped them in a cocoon of my love and happiness. I covered them with my own strength. I tried to protect them from the toughness of the world without lying to them, "Things are hard." My spirit sang to them, "But I am here." My eyes so often rested on them. I rocked them to sleep to the sound of my heartbeat and the feeling of my lips pulling on strands of their delicate hair. I remember so well that hair on my dry lips, the smell of their clean skin, the sound of their soft breathing.

They outgrew my arms, so with all my might, I held their hands and cradled their hopes.

They shook my hand away and ran to play, as well they should, as well I hoped they would. I held them with my eyes, and my words, and in my home.

Then one day, they outgrew my home and, just as baby birds do, they flew away, and in the vacuum that left, time came back. I was so proud of my sons and happy for them, but I shook my head and looked around, listening to the clock guarding time, tick, tick, tock. I had lost myself in motherhood. Suddenly, I needed to be me again, but I barely knew who that person was. Who was I but their mother? Who was I when they were not close by? Now, I could only hold them in my heart, in my thoughts, and in my prayers, but I was used to all that and so much more!

What a battle I began!

I suspect, an empty nest is hardest on those who nested best, but if I had things to do over again, I would lose myself as fully, if not more so. They are worth every ounce of my forethought and my attention. They are worth ever battle I ever fought for them and a billion others that I was spared. I could not raise those great men without giving them my all. I have no regrets about making them the center of my world. I fully recommend it.

Motherhood has been my best adventure.