MY BEST ADVENTURE

THEN & NOW & FOREVER & ALWAYS:


Those two that grew inside me - and then grew outside me, and became bigger than I ever was, in so many ways - it amazes me to think that they started out as something smaller than the flower seeds that I can barely hold onto before they fly off into the breeze and to the freedom of the great, wild world.

My imposing sons, grown and intelligent men, started out as something more fragile than those seeds. Just a hope, a dream, a wish, a drop of Joy inside my heart, too small for anyone to see or even feel; only I was aware of them.

Then they were big enough to see, if you had a microscope, but still too small to feel in any physical sense.

Suddenly they fluttered like butterflies, sheltered deep inside me, my Sweetest Secret. My own Little Miracles! I could tell someone they were moving, but only I could feel it.

Soon they were baby dolphins turning, churning, like my thoughts and plans. They turned me into a different person as they turned their bodies in my womb.

And then they became small, hornless baby goats that kicked and butted, demanding their way outside into the real world, stretching to freedom. Now others could place their hands on my tummy and feel the strength of my sons' limbs and their spirits. My eyes burned with happiness. They were strong!

Still, I held them where they were as long as I could, knowing they were safest in their fleshy nest.

And I was selfish with the bliss they gave me. It was mine alone, as long as they were nestled inside. I could share the excitement, or keep it all to myself, as I chose.

When they outgrew me, when I could no longer hold them inside of myself, I held them outside of myself. I cradled them in my arms, as many hours a day as I could find. I held them, knowing they would, Lord willing, just as inevitably outgrow my arms as they had outgrown my womb. Now, I shared them well. Others could hold them as long as they liked and there would still be hours left for me. I soothed my sons' downy cheeks with my cheek. I investigated their wispy hair with my fingertips. I stared into their blue eyes and lost all track of time. Time was gone, reduced to nothing in the depth of those bright eyes.

Together we lived and grew; we laughed and cried, and I wrapped them in a cocoon of my love and happiness. I covered them with my own strength. I tried to protect them from the toughness of the world without lying to them, "Things are hard." My spirit sang to them, "But I am here." My eyes so often rested on them. I rocked them to sleep to the sound of my heartbeat and the feeling of my lips pulling on strands of their delicate hair. I remember so well that hair on my dry lips, the smell of their clean skin, the sound of their soft breathing.

They outgrew my arms, so with all my might, I held their hands and cradled their hopes.

They shook my hand away and ran to play, as well they should, as well I hoped they would. I held them with my eyes, and my words, and in my home.

Then one day, they outgrew my home and, just as baby birds do, they flew away, and in the vacuum that left, time came back. I was so proud of my sons and happy for them, but I shook my head and looked around, listening to the clock guarding time, tick, tick, tock. I had lost myself in motherhood. Suddenly, I needed to be me again, but I barely knew who that person was. Who was I but their mother? Who was I when they were not close by? Now, I could only hold them in my heart, in my thoughts, and in my prayers, but I was used to all that and so much more!

What a battle I began!

I suspect, an empty nest is hardest on those who nested best, but if I had things to do over again, I would lose myself as fully, if not more so. They are worth every ounce of my forethought and my attention. They are worth ever battle I ever fought for them and a billion others that I was spared. I could not raise those great men without giving them my all. I have no regrets about making them the center of my world. I fully recommend it.

Motherhood has been my best adventure.