When I was about
nine years old, my lovely old hound dog stepped in an animal trap. My dad had
set it out to try to catch a fox that was eating the chickens. Dad had assumed
the hound would not be hanging around the chicken house because he followed me
every step I made and usually I was off in the other direction. Daddy had me
help set the trap and told me to avoid it. It was right against the chicken
wire coop, in a spot I almost never walked. Still, kids are forgetful and
unpredictable, and a few weeks later I decided to take a completely different
route to the big flat rock in the forest that I liked to stretch out on and
read. I did not remember about the fox trap. It jumped back into my mind with a
panic when Rock stepped in it and began to howl. I saw the trap and knew, from
trying before, that I did not have the strength to open it, so I ran for my
daddy.
When I told him
what had happened, Daddy frustrated my efforts to hurry and help my dog by
digging around for a pair of thick work gloves before following me out the door.
When we arrived at the dog, Rock had quieted down but he looked as pitiful as
anything I had ever seen. As usual, Dad gave explanations on the go.
In a soothing
voice that I knew was for Rock's benefit Daddy said, "You have to be
careful when helping an injured animal, Possumfrog. They are almost often
panicked and if they're in pain they are going to be nearly out of their mind.
Even a dog as gentle as Rock might bite you when you try to get his paw out of
a trap." Dad was pulling on his gloves as he approached the dog slowly.
"Rock ain't
never even growled at anybody!" I wrinkled my brow, shocked at the very
idea.
"Yeah, but
he's hurting something fierce right now." Dad was close enough to try to
touch the dog and he spoke, "Let's see," As he reached out and gently
rubbed Rock's head. This the hound allowed calmly, but when Daddy moved to his
paw and began to put pressure on the trap, I was amazed, despite the
forewarning, to see my sweet dog repeatedly and viciously bite my dad. Rock was
probably the gentlest old dog I had ever known. Daddy spoke firmly to him and
moved quickly to free the dog from the trap. Then Dad sat in the leaves beside
a bush and slipped the gloves off. I joined him there and we sat silently for a
bit, watching Rock. The dog limped off a few feet and licked his wounds. Daddy
waited until the animal looked up at us forlornly before calling him over. We
petted Rock gently and Dad checked his wound with a very careful touch. It was
a small trap as animal traps go. Dad had told me when he set it that a bear
trap could take a dog's foot clean off, but he didn't have any of those out.
We'd never seen a bear on Ratliff Mountain, though several times we'd heard
what my dad called a "painter." (I called it "panther".)
But that beast (or beasts) seemed to have a truce with us. It didn't prey on us
or the farm animals and, in return, we left it in peace.
When thinking
about the dog and the trap later, my absorbent young mind filed away this bit
of knowledge: "Something may hurt you if it is hurting." It still
took me decades to realize how true that would be across the board for so many
species, including humams. I was almost fifty when I realized that people who
are suffering emotionally are still in pain. They are like hounds in a fox
trap; they will hurt even a helping hand. When I realized this, the concept of
evil made much more sense to me, and I suddenly understood why helping people
sometimes seemed like a waste of massive amounts of my time and energy. I used
to try so hard to help everyone, only to be left watching while things just got
worse. I was astounded to find out they were sometimes not a bit grateful for
the assistance anyone gave them. I was often left feeling used and
unappreciated. It was a frustrating and disheartening situation to find oneself
in and it discouraged me again and again. I became afraid to reach out and
offer assistance to anyone.
Most of my life
I've heard people say, "Take care of yourself first!" Or, "You
have to love yourself first or you can't properly love others." For many
years I did not at all understand that way of thinking. I thought that sounded
like the most selfish way to live and definitely was not for me! I certainly
didn't understand the connection between this idea and the frustration I was
feeling when helping others. It took me almost two decades of limping and
stumbling through adulthood to figure out that there is much wisdom in that
advice. I finally understood that taking care of yourself is the foundation of
taking care of others. Get your own life, health, happiness, and house in order
as much as you possibly can, and then everything else will begin to fall into
place. Your troubles will never go away but they will lessen and you will have
more time and energy to help others fight their own woes. Before I realized
this, it was like I was in a trap and still trying to help others get out of a
trap. It was not much more than chaos. I was hurting myself and others and
accomplishing so little. Most often, I was making things worse instead of
better. You have to free yourself from the trap and lick your own wounds a bit
before you can be any good for others.
I also equate it
to this idea: You should not drive a car to take a friend to the grocery store
if the gas tank is empty, the tire is flat, or the transmission is slipping.
You should take care the car and then take your friend to the grocery store.
Yes, someone else may have to take them to the store today but you can take
them the next time. Yes, you can push through some issues some of the time. You
can put off getting gas if you have a little in the bottom of the tank, etc.
But sooner or later, if you don't make that car a priority, you and your friend
will either be walking home or you'll be sitting by the side of the road
waiting for someone that DID make their own car a priority. This means you are
inconveniencing someone instead of helping someone else. Now three of you are
in a pickle instead of one. By that same token, you must take care of yourself
if you want to take care of others. The car won't run without care and neither
will you.
If you are at all
spiritual, you may like to look at it like this: The very first baby that God
entrusted you with is not your firstborn (if you're a parent) it's not that
darling niece or nephew (if you are an attentive auntie or uncle) or that sweet
sibling (if you're a doting sis/bro.) But the first baby God gifted you with is
... YOU! I say with the wisdom and authority of many years and much pondering:
God expects you to love yourself and care for yourself with as much duty and as
much kindness as you care for the children you love, or would care for any
child you love. You are God's child, just like those children are yours (and
His) and He wants all of us well cared for! After finally figuring out that I
needed to love myself so that I could then fully love and care for others,
(instead of largely mucking things up) I have reached the point in my life
where I do have enough energy to often successfully reach out to the people
that are hurting so much they are completely self-centered, sometimes hurtful.
They are dogs in a trap. Most of these people don't mean to be that way. I
compare them to Rock with his foot in the fox trap. Under other circumstances,
these people would be fine, gentle human beings, but they are currently under
an assault of pain and panic. They are under too much emotional and possibly
physical stress to do anything other than lash out. They will often fight you
even if you're only trying to help them. But if you have the time (IE your own
trap is off, your own needs are met) and you have some big thick gloves (IE
thick skin, and an understanding nature) you really should feel duty bound to
help, even if they will try to hurt you. Sometimes I have the time and the
gloves. Sometimes I don't. I try to reach out and help the fallen when I can,
but I have better judgement about when and how much to help. I've learned how
to only assist when I'm not stretched thin, or depressed, or stressed out too much.
This is a big world we live in and I'm not the only hope anyone has. When I'm
feeling down, someone else can and must take up the torch and do the good that
I simply cannot. Someone else will have to find the time and the gloves,
because it will only make things worse if I dash in unprepared and wounded. It
will make things worse if I run my own car until it quits by the side of the
road. We are all human. We are none Superman, none God. No one could or should
be there all of the time every time. I firmly believe in helping others, but I
swear to you, you do have to take care of yourself first. This is how you truly
help others: Help you first. Love you like God loves you. Take care of your
first responsibility, then you will be able to do as much as is humanly
possible for the ones you would like to help.
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