IN DEFENSE OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

Political correctness is a hot button lately, thanks to certain remarks from a high profile politician, but it doesn't matter if Obama said it, or Trump implied it, or the queen of England decreed it: political correctness does NOT mean "it's wrong to share your beliefs with others". It simply means it's wrong to be cruel or to discriminate against other people who are free (just like you and I are free) to believe as THEY wish. 

Yes, sometimes PC seems excessive. In my own humble opinion it sometimes gets excessive (I shouldn't say "American" or "mother'?!) but so does religion, parenting, politics, and many other potentially good things that humans tend to be passionate about. It takes vigilant, deliberate thoughtfulness to keep humanity on an ever improving path. It's tricky! Going downhill and backwards is easy! Improving and trudging uphill is not. 

It's important to remember, now more than ever, that PC was created to keep us be kind. "We can't hear one another when we're engaged in a yelling match," and not being PC (name calling and being unkind) is one of the quickest ways to start a yelling match! We've been there and done that. Let's not go backwards!

Use the link below to access a great article on this subject.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/ct-dawn-turner-column-political-correctness-20150812-column,amp.html

GOD'S JAW DROP

You have probably given another person a look of awe at least once in your lifetime. Suddenly, you were hit with the realization that this person was more than you imagined. There was a depth, a pain, an intellect, a story that came out of left field and hung your jaw open like a broken door hinge.
Remember that?
            ***
Remember that!

And hold on to it, because every person on Earth has, at least, that grain of awe. 

Everyone you meet is a mixture of good and evil, interesting and boring, depth and shallowness. Everyone has their own humanity, their own jaw dropping element, their own beauty. They all have something to share with you, something to teach you, something to learn from you.

We are art and the Creator finds in each of us, a reason to rejoice, a reason to love, a jaw drop, and if we drop God's jaw, we certainly should drop each other's.

Dig for that grain of awe. Find that humanity. Teach and learn. Rejoice and love.

And then close your mouth; you look ridiculous.
;)

UNDERSTANDING THE DEMOCRATIC CHRISTIAN

 

(This one anyway)

 

The Bible does indeed urge us to turn the other cheek. I understand that and I give it my all. But it also says there's a time for war. I figure that's when it's not MY cheek. Slap me you will probably get a pass; at least, that's my plan. Slap one of my kids, grandkids, my spouse, parents, siblings, niecephews, friends, innocent bystander…. It's time for war. I think God expects and wants us to defend others.

Another thing that brings on the time for war is when you make my God look evil. I think that's why Jesus flipped the tables on the money changers. They were making God and God’s house look bad.

If Jesus were to walk among us today, here in America, I am pretty convinced he'd head to the White House and flip tables.

Many of today's Christians consider Democrats and liberals to be anti Christian and anti God. They think anyone that rallies for homosexuals and abortionist, can't be on the same side as God. But I ask you to look firmly and closely at this idea for just a moment.

Forget that fewer abortions happen when Democrats are in office (though that screams at me.) Forget that Democrats attempt to feed the poor and treat the sick. Let's simply look at Republicans for now.

Perhaps once upon a time, Republicans really were concerned with faith and family, but it's beyond apparent that the main motivation for modern Republicans is the good old greenback dollar. They sometimes vote for the values they espouse, but even more often they vote for the lining of their own pockets.

It's very debatable that homosexuality is wrong. Some Christians say, "definitely", some say "maybe", some say "no". But let's take the stand for a moment that says it is wrong, for it's a free person's prerogative to believe it is; let's ride with the idea that homosexuals are indeed an “abomination” headed for hell. The questions then is: Are they irredeemable? Does God hold one sin and a certain kind of sinner more accountable than others? Mark 3: 28 & 29, among several other verses, tell us the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. So, that would mean that a homosexuality is (if a sin we must call it) just as forgivable as all the sins we nearly ignore.

You're divorced? That's between you and God. You're a chronic liar? Who am I to judge you? You abuse your temple (your body) with drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol, tattoos? That's none of my business. I have no dog in that race. You have your sins and I have mine. Let's not judge each other but let that be between the sinner and God. Oh, but if you are an abortionist or a homosexual, I have a dog in that race! I will judge you, shun you, call you names, attempt to end your human rights, and possibly feel compelled to tell you, face to face, that you're an abomination or a baby killer and that you're going to split hell wide open!

The Christians that jump on that illogical bandwagon of judging only two types of sinners seem to hate homosexuals and abortionist, but they don't. They actually fear them and the reason they fear them is because they are concerned they might be just as much a “sinner” as they are. They fear they are just as “abominable”, just as “twisted” or “wrong”. (Many of them are in fact concerned that they too are homosexuals. This is why they are called homoPHOBICS instead of homosexist.)

The homosexuality especially gets them. It's easy to see that many Christians can handle it if you steal for a living but lose their freak if you are gay and this seems somehow off kilter to their own teaching.

Let's examine this further, still assuming homosexuality is wrong, but now understanding it cannot be any more wrong than Divorced Debbie or Lying Larry . 

Does God hate those children that are doing “wrong”? Does He urge us to take away the free will of others and force them to be Christians? To strip human rights from wrong doers? To treat chronic liars as though they aren't even human beings? To shun and shame drug dealers? To call a person a fool? 

According to the Bible (Matthew 5:22) we are in danger of hell fire of we call someone a fool. The Bible defines a fool in many ways, one of which is “nâbâl” which is to say “stupid, wicked, and vile”. So, it is not a stretch at all to say that calling another person vile/an abomination could end up with you in trouble instead of your so called “fool”.

What if the Good Samaritan had been a Republican and the injured man a homosexual? Would the Republican have stopped? What if the woman at the well had been an abortionist? Would we love the story any less?

Are we here on Earth to force people to believe as we believe? To take away the free will God gave them?

Are we here to tell the abortionist she is wrong and we are right, and she needs to be in jail until she can be in hell? Are we here to tell the homosexuals they are abominations?

Or are we here to love unconditionally as our Father loves us?

I am a Christian that does not consider homosexuality an abomination. I'm a Christian that remembers that wearing gold, and being divorced, and eating pork are just as condemned by our Bible as homosexuality. But even before I knew that, when I did consider homosexuality a sin, I didn't think I was here to force my beliefs on others, to judge them as abominations. And I submit to you that whether it is or not not is between them and God. I submit to you that they should be treated the same way by Christians that believe it's wrong as they are treated by the Christians that believe it's not wrong, and the ones that want it to just be between them and God: with kindness and unconditional love! From all Christians everywhere, all the time, they should be treated with kindness and unconditional love!

But this is very hard for those Christians that fear the homosexual and fear the abortionist.

Republicans jump on the conservative Christian's fear. They tell them the gays are taking over and have an “agenda”. Let me assure you, the only gay agenda is to survive this Earth as long as they can and with a measure of love and happiness. Sounds a lot like the hetro agenda, doesn't it?

The Republicans tell conservative Christians that the abortionist want to murder children, even as they are being born! (Partial birth abortions are not what you've been told.) They say, “Vote for me and I'll protect the sanctity of marriage and the babies! I'm on God's side! I'm on your side!” They stir up my brothers and sisters against each other, convincing them it's all us versus them?

And it works! They do get the votes and will the elections. They throw the Christians a bone (so they will vote for them again.) They toughen abortions rules and discriminate against our gay citizens. Then they take the children’s health care and the senior citizens’ medicaid. They steal food stamps and heating assistance from the poor. They make deals to suit coal mine owners instead of to protect coal miners. They rape our land and leave filth for our grandchildren.

I'm convinced, Jesus would be tipping over tables in the White House and when I oppose the Republican agenda (there's an agenda, for real!) I'm tipping over tables in my own way. I'm finding my time for war. I'm doing what I can, where I am, with what I have for my God and for goodness!

I promise you, I'd rather stand before God as queer as a three dollar bill than stand before Him as one of the Republicans that used God's name and God's children to fatten my own and my cronies pockets! And I'm a Christian. I’m a Christian that remembers free will and stands on Grace and Mercy. And speaking of remembering: Remember when I said we could forget that fewer abortions happen when Democrats are in office and that they attempt to feed the poor and treat the sick? Stop forgetting it. It's now time to remember.

 

I CAME HERE FOR MOTHERHOOD AND THE WIND

Motherhood, with its dreary duties and daily miracles, takes my breath.

So, this is what unconditional love is! 

How much I would have missed if those spirited souls had not used my body, like a common doorway, and came wailing into the great, wild world with their toothless gums wide with anger and their eyes squinched in utter despair.

I would do anything to turn those melodious and beautiful wails into giggles.

Anything!

And then two just as miraculously become three, and happy and humbled, I watched while my little boys, so bone-shatteringly quickly, went from golden optimism, and brown honor, and open smiles to men I struggle to even know. 

Wonderful men of responsibility, and knowledge, and kindness! 

But so new and different that I'm breathless with shock.

Shall I praise nature or fall to my face and cry?

I'll just sit down here a moment...

And try to catch my breath...

And pretend that I saw all this coming.

It's just the wind and me now.

Good thing the wind is my friend!

I knew it long ago and reveled in that knowing.

Each time the wind danced around me, I danced in its embrace. I called out to God and greatness with praises of joy and odes of thankfulness every time the wind caressed me, reminding me that I was here, that I was flesh, that I was joy itself. I danced alone,  then with my sons (Oh, say I found the time to teach them to dance in the wind!) and now I dance alone again.

A few times I was so caught up with fixing supper and getting baths that I barely danced at all.

But the wind forgives me.

Like a faithful pet it comes to my comfort.

Good thing the wind is my friend!

I came here for motherhood and the wind...

PTSD

This morning, I got in my car and headed to work. Yes, I have to work on a Saturday, but I love my job, and my drive to work, and the day was glorious, full of burgundies, and golds, and a playful wind was tossing the limbs on the trees.
I love autumn.
I love these mountains!
I thought, “The only thing that could make a working Saturday better might be a little classic rock.”
I switched on my radio, hoping for Whitesnake or Tom Petty, but the John Boy and Billy show was playing and someone impersonating Ric James began to tell me “How to keep your woman happy”.
I whispered to myself, ”Is this supposed to be funny? When did domestic abuse become funny?!”
I switched the radio off immediately but memories flooded from the recesses of my mind, like it or no.
All my toughest memories are like a street gang in my head; they hang out together and attack me wen masse, usually when I'm already down. Sometimes at the merest sign of a chink in my armor.
Now I'm drowning in them:

A dark gun and a look of supreme satisfaction.
Blood that looks like Kool aid to my thirteen year old eyes.
Pain that finds all my weaknesses.
Panic that makes me lose myself.
The sound of my children crying.
Picking gravels out of my leg.
The feeling that nothing will ever be ok again, and I'm a failure as a mother and as a human being.
Utter. Complete. Hopelessness.
Angela, 13 months old, cold and dead in her mother's arms.
I. Did. Nothing. To. Help. Them.
Red, hot anger.
Black despair.
Feeling the gun against my head.
The sound of the trigger clicking.
Urinating on myself.
Struggling for oxygen.

And now, I'm struggling for my breath again, all these years later.
Still fighting for my sanity if not my life.
Fresh hopelessness settles on my shoulder like a wet blanket.
This day is going to be tough.
I wonder why I can't be normal.
Am I just too sensitive for this world?
And, I'm angry at myself… and at the John Boy and Billy show. Why can't I be stronger? Why can't they be kinder and more thoughtful? And I look up to my mountains but the world is only muted grays.

This, to me, is PTSD.
This, to me, is life.

PARENTAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS & REGRETS

Most of us that have raised children (or helped raise children) can tell you, we have points of pride and we have regrets. At least, those of us that like to reflect and strive to be honest, can admit that we picked our battles, and some of them were unfortunate, but some of them were very good calls.

Let's take a look at accomplishments and failures.

 

I nailed very little, but if there was a ribbon for loving your kids SO MUCH, I know I would win it! I am convinced, I came here to feel the wind and to be THIS mother and grandmother, to nurture these specific individuals.

 

I am happy that I picked the safety battle and made my sons sit in their car seats. I'm proud of myself for wearing my own seat belt from the time they were born, because I knew I'd not sell the talk for long if I didn't walk the walk right along with them. I had never worn a seat belt in my life when I became a parent (most people didn’t in the 70s and 80s) but I wanted to be a decent example for my children, and I wanted to be someone they could be proud of. So, I not only ate better, lived safer, and much more thoughtfully after becoming a parent, but I lived more honorably and kinder too. I'm so glad I did! 

 

I might also get a ribbon for creating a good bedtime routine and sticking to it. It didn’t take long for my children to figure out that bedtime meant sleep time, and they slept like logs. As a result, I had time for a TV show or two, an interesting film, a good book, a conversation with my husband. I'm glad I had that time. I'm certain that, in my case, the free time made me a better parent because it recharged my energy. I personally need a lot of down time, a lot of “me” time.

 

I might get a nod from the parental police for making my kids brush their teeth morning and night and for not giving them anything but water after they brushed those teeth before bed. Dentists loved me. (As an aside, I'm really glad I gave them water and didn't force them to be thirsty all night on the off chance they might pee in the bed. Many of my fellow parents did not allow their kids to have anything to drink after six or even five PM, and I felt heartsick for those children. I can remember waking up so thirsty I was miserable and my parents never denied me a drink of water. How thirsty might I have been if they had?!)

 

As regrets go, I have a few and they are deep. 

 

Though I needed that quiet at the end of the day, I wish I'd found the energy for more quality time during their waking hours. I'm an extreme introvert and as a parent that has been a downfall. Did I play with my kids? Read them stories? Tell them tells? Yes. Yes. Yes. Was I affection and loving? Yes. Do I wish I could have done more of all of these? Absolutely!

 

I also wish I'd found a way to bring more nature, and forests, and animals, and pets into my children's lives. I grew up in the woods and on horseback. My kids had very little of that, and I view this as a personal failure of mine. I wish I'd at least taken them camping and hiking a lot more than I did.

 

I wish I'd kept that black and white kitten and the wrinkled puppy. My boys loved them!

 

I wish I had focused more on nutrition. My kids didn't have big sweet cravings like most children, so I was largely spared that battle. They rarely minded waiting until after supper before dragging out the Halloween candy, and they were particular about which candies they would even bother with. What a blessing that was! But I allowed far too many processed foods and didn't keep enough fruit around. I nuked too many pizza rolls and didn't do enough cooking. Mostly, that was because of poverty (I was often too broke for produce and meat and too tired from working hard (for so little) to cook) but I could have done better with the food we could afford, and I could have done a lot better with the information. I knew little about nutrition and taught little about it. As a result, I am obese and have a grown son that eats like a picky seven year old. He hardly ever drinks water or bothers with healthy foods, and I feel at least partially responsible. I worry about his cholesterol levels, and his anemia, and his heart. 

 

But my biggest regret has to do with violence. I lived in an abusive relationship for many years. My sons have memories that are the stuff of nightmares. I regret, to the depth of my soul, allowing them to live in that violence. If I could go back and fix one thing from my past, I'd leave my first husband the day I knew I was pregnant with my second son. Up to that point, there had only been verbal abuse, and not a lot of that. My oldest was three years old then, and remembers nothing from the days before he had a brother. If I had just one do-over, I'd fix those two little boys huddling in the dark, listening to their parents fist fight in the next room.

 

My second deepest regret is spanking my children. I wish I had never touched them violently, especially in anger, but even when I calmly spanked them. I'm not saying this so people can get outraged and say, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!" Or "My parents spanked me and I'm glad they did. I turned out just fine!"

 

Let me be clear... I don't care. 

 

I feel duty-bound to point out that the shepherd's rod the Bible references was for guidance not violence. I feel duty-bound to point out that you might have turned out even happier and better adjusted if no one had hit you. But in the end you will believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe, and I have zero desire to debate this topic with anyone. This is a very personal choice for me and it makes sense all the way down to my core. I received a lot of physical punishment in school, and a little at home. I can't think of a single time that I deserved it, or a single time when a discussion wouldn't have worked even better than that paddling. Not only that but, I ask you, if my oldest hits my youngest, and I then hit my oldest, what have I taught my sons? At best: "Some people are bigger, and stronger, and meaner so you shouldn't take things to a physical level or you will regret it. " At worst, "I don't care about you."

 

What about instead, we teach children to deal with their anger and disappointment without violence? What if we teach them kindness, gentleness, and empathy? What if we teach by example? 

 

I wish I had set the example by never hitting my son, his brother, or anyone else except in self defense. I am 99% convinced that every lesson can be taught without violence, and I'm 100% convinced that my children deserved that and so do yours. 

 

I'm very interested in your accomplishments and regrets. We learn from sharing. Please share yours?

TO THE SO CALLED FRIENDS OF MY ALIENATING CHILDREN

There is so much I would like to say to you, so many points I'd like to make.

I could start with, "How could you?" and end with a plea for basic human compassion. In the middle, I could write chapters about unity instead of division, love over hatred, and peace instead of war. I could spend at least a page or two reminding you that we should never judge someone by the gossip we hear about them. I could share and dissect my favorite quote of all time:

"You can tell more about someone by listening to what they say about others than you can by listening to what others say about them." (Leo Aikman)

I could write a book for you; I really could...

But I won't.

I'll keep my words and my pain tighter and more concise.

I must admit that you hurt my heart, that your words, supporting and even encouraging my children in their decision to ostracize me, cut me to the bone, that your contempt for me, a person you do not even know, completely blindsided me. Why do you dislike me? Better yet, why do you, their so-called "friend" dislike my children?

I'll also admit that you and your actions puzzle me, perhaps more than anything else in this whole miserable, messed up, painful, and puzzling situation.

When MY friends are upset, I calm them instead of stirring them up into a fury. I help them understand the other side of the story. I attempt to be a peacemaker and a unifier. I help them find a shelter from their emotional storm. I discourage drama for drama's sake. I help them reconcile with the people in their lives, especially if those people are family that adore them!

I'll tell you that I believe in karma and usually I'm a pretty big fan of karma's work, but this time, not so much.

I do believe what goes around usually comes around. I believe that, if you are very lucky you will someday be my age with children near the age you are now.

I hope those children never ostracize you! I hope they never show you how this feels! I hope they love you, and respect you, and do their very best to understand you. Because I would not wish this pain on even my worst enemy.

Perhaps you've been rejected by a lover. I can sympathize. I have been there. I can remember that pain, and I can tell you that being rejected by the child you hold in the parenting places of your heart hurts .so. much. more! It hurts more than any other pain I've endured, and pain is my long-time companion. I am no stranger to emotional or physical pain, but this is THE pain I wish on no one, not even on you, my child's so-called-friend that hurt my beloved child by your decision to respond with anger and drama when my child needed hope, kindness, and understanding.

This pain I would not wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But why, oh why, did you, dear pretend friend of my child, decide to be my worst enemy?