KYRIE ELEISON

Skitch and Greg

    Greg had told me that we would marry when he got back from basic training. Because I was paranoid about him finding another lover while he was gone, I told him I'd prefer to get married before he went away to basic. He said nothing. Time passed and I decided he did not care about my preference, but a few weeks later, out of the blue, he said, What about June?" That was my big proposal, and I was delighted with it! I'd never given a thought to a fancy ring and a man on his knees anyway. What was that all about?

    We set the date for June 8th.

    When we broke the news to Nina, we told her we wanted to have a church ceremony in the church I had grown up in and my pastor, Brother Frank, would marry us. We told Nina that we wanted a small and almost informal ceremony, that we were going to invite only our immediate families, his grandmothers, and a handful of close friends. Nina was beside herself with disappointment. It was very important to her that her brother and sister and all her nieces and nephews come. She wanted to invite Truman's mom and siblings and all their children as well. I explained that I was not against that, but it simply was not feasible. My family did not have the funds for a big wedding and I, foolishly, had not saved my own money up for the event. She begged us to allow her to invite whomever she wanted and she told us, "I promise they won't go away hungry. I'll help pay for all the food." We felt that she had taken away the only firm excuse to have a small ceremony and, though it made me nervous to think of all those near strangers there, people that I was not sure were "on my side", we agreed that she could invite whomever she wanted if it meant that much to her.

    Greg made it clear he was not interested in the cake, food, or decorations, so I decided our wedding colors would be blue and yellow because one of my favorite things in the world was daisies on a blue background. I did not have the money to supply any type of bride's maids dresses, so I told all my bride's maids and Lila, my matron of honor, that my colors were yellow, and blue. I asked them to wear those colors if they could, but if not anything pretty would work. Several of the girls that I'd asked to be bride's maids declined. Cindy, Michell, Jutannia, and Ramona all said they had other obligations that day. They did not even show at my wedding and I tried to not be hurt over it, but I was. Nancy accepted and she found a pretty white dress to wear. She lamented that only the bride was supposed to wear white, but I told her not to worry about that. I was just so grateful she would come and be there beside me! Tanya was definitely included and she was now big enough to wear one of my dresses, also white, though it was just a tad too large on her. Sandi found a very pretty blue floral dress, and I assured her that it did not matter that the dress was not floor length. It was much more important to me that she be there and walk with me than it was that her dress be perfect. Lila could not find a dress and also had to wear one of mine. The only formal I had left was the lavender gown that I'd worn to Greg's junior prom, so Lila, in that color, had to stick out just a bit. I told her that she was so pretty she stuck out all the time anyway, but I'm not convinced that she was consoled. Still, she walked with me and that was all I really wanted.

    Greg asked his best friend and distant cousin, Pokey (Darrel) to be his best man. Pokey tried to say there was no way he could do that because he did not have a suit and could not buy one. Greg and I convinced him to come and wear whatever he had. It was important to both of us that our families and friends show up and take places of honor beside us, no matter if they had to do it wearing trash bags.

    When she found out that I planned to pick wild daisies for my wedding bouquet (which seemed perfectly reasonable to me) Nina said that would not work. She took me to a florist and ordered a daisy bouquet, "bride" and "groom" wine glasses, though we told her the church would never allow wine at the reception. "You can drink punch in them!" She said. She also bought a pretty cake knife and server. I was very grateful if a little overwhelmed.

    She was also there when we picked out our wedding rings because Greg had not worked in ages and she was supplying those for him. I nervously chose the smallest and cheapest gold band I could find and the clerk found the matching men's ring for Greg. The total was under fifty dollars. Even in those days, that was cheap for wedding rings.

    When the big day arrived, my mother announced, "Happy is the bride the sun shines on!" She then started crying and she and my niece Shana cried most of the remainder of the day.

    I was in the church bathroom getting dressed when one of Greg's little cousins came in. She had never been very nice to me and was one of the people I had been nervous about having around on my wedding day, though I liked her siblings very much. She made small talk and contributed to my rising nervousness for a bit and then popped out with, "I hear your family is so poor that Aunt Nina had to pay for the whole wedding?"

    I looked at her in shock, swallowed, and thought about how odd it would be to go to jail for assault on your wedding day. "They did not pay for the whole wedding. Aunt Nina bought some things she thought we just had to have and she invited a lot of people we were not going to invite so she helped pay for the food."

    "Oh." She said with a smile and then sauntered out.

    I had a hard time getting my head back into the romantic game after that.

    When Dad and I walked down the isle, he was all business. My little nieces, Shana and Amanda were my flower girls. They were the most adorable people at the wedding, in the world probably! They wanted to be sure they dropped flower petals at each and ever row, on both sides, and about the same amount of petals each time. They discussed softly about whether or not there were enough flower petals in this spot and who should drop them where. They never really argued, so they were simply reaching an agreement. My father wound up shoving them up the isle and I was too amused to try to look romantically at Greg and notice if he was wowed by my simple but pretty dress.

    Dad passed me over to Greg and when we joined hands, his were sweaty and shaking. He could barely get the ring on my finger when the time came, and I wondered why anyone would be so nervous about being in front of people. It had never bothered me to be in front of a group of people. I had done dozens of talent shows and plays. The only thing that made me nervous (in regard to the wedding) were mean people, and it's hard for people to be mean to you when you are in the actual act of saying your vows. Besides, I was hoping I had already weathered the worst of that.

    The rest of the day was a whirlwind. We said vows, took photos, ate finger foods, cut cake, drank punch from wine glasses, and opened presents. I kept wiping Mom and Shana's tears and telling them it would be okay. Somehow it soothed me to sooth them.

    Greg and I got in my dad's station wagon and drove off. We didn't even have a car of our own at that point. We honeymooned for two nights at The Breaks International Park. The place was lovely, as we already knew. But Greg did not really want to go swimming very long and I blistered on the paddle boats. Mostly we sat in the room and watched television. He did buy me a stuffed toy, a replica of Gizmo from the movie Gremlins. We had some nice food in the restaurant, and I reveled in the fact that I could stay up and watch Johnny Carson and David Letterman and not worry about anyone hearing anything that would wake or offend them.

    We lived with his mom, Truman, Greg's two brothers and Truman's son for the next two months. It was an adventure in itself, figuring out how to reside in a mobile home with all those people.

    After Greg went away to basic, his mom and I had several long conversations and became so much closer than we had ever been. I spent a lot of time with my parents and Lila while waiting on the day that I could go start my home with Greg. He sent me a portion of his pay, and I foolishly spent almost every dime of it as soon as it came in. I had never had money, and now suddenly I did. I had no clue how to resist the desire to provide my family with a nice meal or go see that movie I was interested in.

    For the first time ever, I received letters from Greg. I cherished every one and carried them around with me everywhere I went. He also sent me a stuffed unicorn, a decorative gold throw pillow case. I made him care packages and sent him foodstuffs and random items I thought he might need to survive basic training. I always included the chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips that he loved so much.

    Greg called and told me he had stress fractures in both legs and was going to have to use crutches for several weeks and finish training after a hospital stay. He was not in pain now, he said, but this would delay his training significantly.

    He was off the crutches by the time he came in for Christmas and he had gained a lot of muscle, but was still trim. He looked like a million bucks in his uniform, and I sat right on top of him all the way home from the airport. I'd never used a seat belt in my life and I was not going to start now. (They were not required by law and were not even to be found in some cars.) He sang our song, "Lady" by Kenny Rogers my ear and it was the first time I had ever heard him sing. When I remarked on that, he told me the army had opened him up, that he was much less shy now. I thought, "Maybe he needed this." For the first time ever, I/we had wonderful Christmas presents to give out. I had spent a great deal of the money on gifts. Greg had bought me a stuffed white baby seal for my Christmas gift. I don't remember what I gave him.

    After he was back in Texas and almost through with his training, Greg called and told me he was going to be sent to Fort Polk, Louisiana after basic. He said it was called the armpit of the army and that the G.I's jokingly nicknamed it "Fort Puke". The town nearest the base was Leesville but it was called Sleezeville by the soldiers. I was disappointed that the place had a bad reputation. I checked out books on Louisiana and hoped we would be in a swampy, Spanish moss area, though I despaired that we could not avoid the heat. I was also upset that we would be stationed so far from home, but told myself it could have been much worse. Lots of his military friends were sent to Korea and Germany.

    In February 1986, I was sitting in the room I had shared with Sandi for the last six years. I had packed up my clothing in a couple suitcases and boxed up the contents of my hope chest for shipping. Only a few days earlier, I had been sitting on my bed, in the exact same spot as I watched, on my 13 inch black and white television, with shock and utter dismay, as the Challenger space shuttle exploded and seven of my heroes were obliterated before my very eyes. Life was precious, precarious.

    Now, I starred at the same television as John Cougar sang about pain, and I wondered about the pain I would face in my life. This was a very important crossroads for me. Would I some day look back and wish that I had never gotten off this bed and onto that plane? Should I back out and refuse to leave my safe little town, my family, everything and everyone I had ever known? I prayed silently, "Show me God. Show me what I should do." And at that moment "Kerie" by Mr. Mr. began to blast on MTV.


Kyrie eleison
Kyrie eleison
Kyrie

The wind blows hard against this mountain side
Across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide
Setting my feet upon the road

My heart is old, it holds my memories
My body burns a gemlike flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine
Is where I find myself again

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

When I was young I thought of growing old
Of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road
Or only wished what I could be

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

    The lyrics spoke to me, calmed me, and set "my feet upon the road". To this day I don't think I could have gotten off that bed if that one song hadn't played when it did. At the time, I thought the lyrics said "Kyrie a laser" and meant "Carry a laser". I had no idea why I needed a laser in Louisiana, but the message was clear. "Brace yourself, but GO!" And go, I did.

    Only recently I have learned that Kýrie eléison is Greek for "Lord, have mercy". That makes even more sense. I needed the Lord to have mercy. The road ahead of me was full of pitfalls and pain, but I needed to travel it, and I needed help and mercy along the way. Looking back, I am so glad I found the courage to get up and go on my own great adventure, my own life. If I had let fear win and I had stayed, I would have missed out on the two people that have shaped me most, and for the best, and saved me repeatedly over the last two decades. I would have missed out on what I needed to get me where I am today, with the husband I have today, and those sons of mine! Yes, I walked right into a fire, but that was my fire. It had my name all over it. I was meant to survive it, to learn from it, to carry out a dragon and a wizard, and a whole lot of knowledge. When I was forced to leave Greg I called myself Lady Phoenix for a long time. I had survived a fire and emerged a new creature.

    If you are struggling through a hard time in your life, own your fire. Claim it, survive it, learn from it, carry out any good thing you can even if that's only you. Put it behind you as soon as you realize that it is fire. Then do your best to turn the pain it gave you into knowledge. Keep the lessons and the blessings and move beyond the things that pull you down. You can do it. I bet on me, and I'd surely bet on you.