YIN YANG LOVE

    

"Yin Yang Love"
By: Skitch

    Usually in life I save the best, the easiest, the most fun things for last, but as I stare at the subject for my last (planned) chapter on my childhood, I realize I've set myself up for a hard ending. Writing about the guy I married and had two wonderful sons with wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't so complicated. How do I explain to others why I was in such a hurry to settle down? Better yet, how do I explain to others the blessing and the curse that was and is my first husband, Greg?

    Imagine for a moment that you are sitting in a room with high hopes that something or someone fabulous will be coming through the door at any moment. In walks a nice looking guy carrying four very intricate and detailed boxes. He comes over to you and is very sweet to you, giving you compliments, making you laugh. telling you that you matter, that you are special. Then, just when you relax and begin to think that things are going to be wonderful all over, he raises his voice, he yells insults and obscenities, he slaps you, he punches you, he pulls your hair, he chokes you and it seems to never end. For a crazy moment or twenty, you think, "This is it. I'm going to die." But he loosens his hold just as you are on the verge of giving up. You catch your breath and order him out of the room, out of your sight, out of your life. He says, "If you want to go, you go." And you make for the door. Just before you leave though, he says, "Here. Take this." And he hands you the four boxes that he carried in with him. You are too rattled to think of arguing, so you take the boxes and you leave. You are free! But still shook up, still petrified. For a while you look behind you almost constantly. You look backward more than forward. It takes a long time for you to believe that you are truly free, that you can be happy again, that you are not going to die at that man's hands. Then you begin to look ahead and you remember the boxes you are still holding. You open them one at a time and you cannot believe your eyes! Inside the first two are treasures so priceless and beautiful that you never even imagined such grand things existed, let alone that you would be able to see, to touch, to enjoy such blessings. These treasures will change your life, they will make your life, they will save your life again and again and you know it. You open the third and it is a treasure too, but as soon as you go to lift it from the box, it disappears. Your heart is broken by the loss, it was unique and wondrous, but you look back at the other two treasures, equally unique and wondrous, and you remember that you will be okay. You open the fourth box and inside it is a small book. It is bound in silk and handwritten with a delicate stroke, easy to read and stunning to look at. It too is a treasure, only a different kind. You read the book and inside you find lessons, ideas, hope, experience, and words that shape you into a better person, words that will help you take care of yourself and your treasures. words to help you overcome the pain of the past and to live your life to the fullest.

    That is the blessing and the curse that is my first husband.

    I have my sons, Co and Liam. Great and priceless treasures that I could not even imagine before. They have changed my life, made my life, saved my life again and again. And if not for Greg they would not be in my life.

    I have the memories of the mere idea of my lost babe and the hope that I may someday know if my dear Jamie is a boy or girl, if he or she knew and knows how much I loved them before they were even fully formed, and if my love is returned.

    I have lessons upon lessons, thoughts upon thoughts. I have been toughened, and softened, and shaped by the experiences I shared with Greg. They have played no small role in making me who I am, brought me where I am today. And with all my heart I love my life and I love me. This is not an endorsement for abuse. If you are being abused, please seek help. Please get out! If you are abusing someone, please do the same. Believe me, you've experienced enough pain. Life will give you all the pain you ever need, even if you take the best care of yourself. Pain is inevitable. This is simply a couple of questions: How could I hate the pain that shaped me and still love the person I have become? How could I curse the road of heartache that brought me through to joy, to my own little Paradise?