THE GIRLS AND THE BOYS

Gender Courage

NOW:


    My mom and dad both came from extremely poor families with ten children. My dad had two sisters and my mom had two (living) brothers. Both of my parents families lost a son while the child was still very young . Dad's oldest brother, Victor died while still a toddler, and mother's little brother, David was stillborn. She can remember the adults lying David's lifeless little body up on an ironing board after he was delivered. What a sight that would be for anyone, especially a child.

    The first "The Girls", that I was familiar with were my mother and her sisters, though I only remember them this way in stories from my mother's youth. Mother was not the oldest child and she was usually the smallest. (It did not take long for her younger sisters to outgrow her.) But she was often the fireball protector that her sisters hid behind when danger was afoot and she did her utmost to protect "The Girls". Mother's family was exposed to abuse from several males which left her all about girl power long before she had four daughters to keep up with.

    I am even more familiar with the idea of my mother and her favorite cousin, Nancy, being "The Girls". I have heard many stories of their adventures and antics as they were growing up. When they were sixteen (my auntie) and fifteen (my mother) they married brothers, thus happily ensuring that, like their childhood had been, a lot of their adult life would be spent side by side. They thought they were both sixteen when they married those brothers, but my mother found out in later life that an aunt that kept telling her she was a year younger than her cousin Nancy, was actually correct. My mother's parents had forgotten what year she was born in and incorrectly told her she was the same age as Nancy. It boggles my mind that someone could forget the their niece was a year old when their daughter was born, but I did not live their hard lives, so who knows? Maybe it could happen to many of us in like circumstances.

    After my mother and Aunt Nancy had their kids collectively they had three boys and seven girls, though one daughter had died at eleven months old. My mother had all daughters. My cousins, sisters, and I were raised nearly like siblings, especially in the earlier years, before I was born and when I was quite little. Now "The Girls" became the term used by my aunt and uncle and my parents when they referred to my sisters, my cousin/sisters and me.

    I barely remember those days when our two families were together most of the time. Many of my childhood hours were spent in total solitude, and I grew up very much like an only child. When I was seven, my sister Lila (at age seventeen) gave birth to my niece, Tanya. A son and two more daughters followed, and it was not long before "The Girls" was used for my two youngest nieces. They were close in age, pretty, petite, and feminine. The moniker worked well for them. Sometimes, as we were prone to gallivant around together, they hung the term on Tanya, my favorite cousin, Ramona, and me, but mostly, probably because the three of us might more likely be found up a tree as brow deep in a dollhouse, "The Girls" was reserved for my two little nieces.

    These days, when anyone says "The Girls" I tend to think of my five step daughters first, though they are all women now. Usually, that is who the speaker intends me to think of. It amuses, and let's be honest, please me, when someone says, "Where are the girls?" And they are actually talking about some combination of my sisters and me. I will happily be part of "The Girls" all my days. It is not an insult in my book.

    I don't remember anyone ever referring to my dad and his brothers, or my mother's brothers, as "The Boys" or even "The Guys". Unity and youth seems to be a chick thing, though my sister Lila and I did often refer to her foster sons, John, Chet, Tracey, and Shane and to my two sons, Cory and Liam, as "The Boys", both collectively and in smaller groups. She had her group of "The Boys" and I had my group of "The Boys" and together they were "The Boys." At that time, our guys did not mind the group moniker in the least. Now, I wonder if some of them might take offense if we were to call them that. As I said, unity and youth seems to be a chick thing. My husband bristles if I call him a "boy". He's a man, don't I know that?! I laugh off this wild idea and tell him I'm still a girl, a female. He's still a boy, a male, but he disagrees without fail. I have noticed that males in minority groups are similarly offended if they are called "boys." That type of thinking is apparently not a girl thing at all! I don't really understand how "boy" could be such an insult to a man when "girl" is never a bad thing to most of us females. And if you think "boy" is insulting, try calling a grown man a "girl"! (You might want to try this from a safe distance, especially if you are male yourself.) Ask yourself: Isn't it a strength to be okay with your sex at any point in your life? Shouldn't it be an acceptable thing to enjoy thinking of yourself as younger? Is is truly an insult to be compared to half the marvelous people in the world? Don't we all have a feminine side and a masculine side?

    I wish for a future that is just as receptive of "boys" as it is of "girls" and just as receptive of "girls" as it is of "boys". Wouldn't it be nice if no one raised an eyebrow at the next batch of "The Girls" that would not stop climbing trees, playing with toy vehicles, or being love with the speed and freedom they found on top of horses and bikes? Wouldn't it be nice if no one raised an eyebrow if a male (straight, or homosexual, or too young to know or care) wanted to be more in touch with his softer, feminine side? Isn't gentleness a virtue?

    When they were growing up, my sons played with dolls and painted their nails if they took a notion. I did not worry if they wanted to wear sandals, or flip flops, or the colors pink or purple. Though their dad made a big deal out of it many times. To this day, both my sons are so far from homophobic they scare the homophobic, and this just makes me proud! So far, they have only dated females, and I would be surprised, though not at all displeased, if that were to change. I want them to continue to be happy, and healthy, and kind. I don't see that what they do with their private parts is any of my business or anyone else's. As long as everything is between consenting adults, I'll keep my bedroom and you keep yours. 

    I think the shame we have long placed on being soft/feminine has long since lost it's practicality, if it ever had any, and should soon become a thing of the past. I'll give you this: Perhaps, it was necessary to squash tenderness when we had to go out and fight the saber toothed tiger for our dinner, but now that we've reached the stage where brains bring home more bacon than brawn, couldn't we let our guard down enough to stop shaming people for being sweet and kind? Couldn't we just enjoy how cuddly they are even if they are "The Boys"?